Gah. I have a pounding head after getting absolutely shit-faced last night. I had to. It was the only way I could force out my eulogy to that treacherous lackey Mwanawasa, mercifully buried for good today in Lusaka. I actually called him a “courageous leader… who will be greatly missed”, through my gritted dentures. Later, I knelt at his wife’s feet in what was mistakenly reported as a gesture of remorse and servitude. In fact, one of my plastic knees had simply given way. Fortunately, the hacks didn’t notice when I leaned over to spit on the bastard’s grave. Heh heh. Mwanawasa once referred to Zim under my leadership as a “sinking Titanic”, which is the height of insolance and ignorance. Zimbabwe is nothing if not a Challenger space rocket, roaring towards a spectacular, shared destiny. My leadership has been as dazzling as it has been universally popular – I have no doubt that my reign will be remembered throughout the land as The Champagne Years… now, where did I put the paracetamol?