June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

Had a visit from my Little House (Mbeki)’s friends from the ANC.  It’s his birthday today, and my present to him was the guarantee of my smiling presence in office, after the 27th June.  Apparently, some of his team weren’t so sure though.  Here’s an extract from my conversation with one of the pathetic lackeys:


ANC Delegate:  So about this election then…


Me:   Sorry.  We’re closing for lunch.


ANC: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this election that you sold us a month ago…


Me: Ahh, uh… Yes.  The free and fair presidential run-off.  Marvelous.  Well… what’s wrong with it?


ANC:  I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad… It is dead!


Me:  No, no, no… it’s not dead… it’s just, uh, temporarily incapacitated


ANC: Look mate, I know a dead election when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now…


Me: Oh no, you’re mistaken.  It’s a remarkable process, the Zimbabwean electoral system… it’s really a thing of beauty.


ANC: Thing of beauty???  Re-education camps??  30,000 people displaced??!  Mass carnage on the streets of Harare??!!??!!


Me: Oh yes.  Democracy in action!  It’s a stunning sight, no?


ANC: The only “stunning” that’s being done right now is when you club the living shit out of anyone who might once have thought about voting for the MDC…


Me: Well, errrrrrr, we’d better replace it for you then.  How about a free and fair election in… uh, 2020?


ANC: 2020???!!  I’ve heard of apocalypses that come quicker than that!!  This election is demised! Finished! Kaput!


Me: No, no, no… it’s postponed because of the unfavourable conditions…


ANC: It’s not postponed.  It’s not incapacitated… It is no more!!  It is an ex-election!  It’s a bleedin’ stiff… bereft of life… pushing up the daisies!!  Your electoral processes are only of interest to a student of ‘istory’!!!  It’s shuffled off it’s mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the sodding choir invisible!!!  This is an EX-ELECTION!!!


A little later…


Thabo: [shyly] D’you… want to come back to my place?


Me: Yeah, alright.

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