28 June: A reply to yesterday’s open letter to Mugabe in “The Zimbabwean”

Dear Bastard,

Firstly, thank you.  Yes, I remain in excellent health, thanks to a strict regime of exercise at 4am, Grecian 2000, Botox injections and an army of ever-willing Malaysian schoolboys who are prepared to supply me with blood.

Now, on to your ?letter?.  You remind me that 28 years ago, I won Zimbabwe?s independence from underneath the public school sandal of British oppression.  Correct.  Your clownish error is the ludicrous assertion that I ?needed the help of multitudes of Zimbabweans in the struggle?.  What hogwash!  A simple matter of checking the record reveals that ?… indeed, such was Mugabe?s personal charisma and brilliance, the revolution would have been won had he simply fought on his own? (citation:  History of Zimbabwean Independence, by R Mugabe (1981) pp. 141-2).

The idea that “God has taken away my mandate” is also fanciful in the extreme.  God may have forsaken Saul, but he still thinks I’m da man.  How else do you explain the beautiful array of palaces He has left at my personal disposal?  He has left Zimbabwe rich beyond its wildest dreams – a nation of billionaires – and it is only the satanic forces of imperialist Britain, who drool lasciviously over my peanut farms, that pretend otherwise.

My personal endorsement from the voters of Zimbabwe is now at unprecedented levels.  112% of the people are with me!  Do you see that kind of support for Gordon Brown or the lickspittle Obama?  No!  These weaklings couldn?t garrotte an opponent if they were tied to the floor and made to wear lederhosen [mental note:  interesting thought]

You quote Samuel 15, v23, but I think a more apt verse is from Ezekiel 5, v17, which reads ?… and the Lord proclaimed Sir Robert Mugabe as the one, true leader of the Zimbabweans.  He said unto the Africans, ?that man is of greater intelligence, better suits and blacker hair than the rest of you… he doth command your respect and obedience until he is at least 130 years of age (constitutional amendments notwithstanding)?.

I hope that you now consider your points dealt with in a respectful manner.  I have taken the liberty of arranging some complimentary “re-education for you”.  Just in case.

Up your arse,

R G Mugabe (formerly Sir Robert Mugabe)

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