July 30: A young 72-years old

And so now, the toadying Western press has seized upon John McCain’s age as a “legitimate issue” in the election. What crap. That’s about as convincing as claiming that having opposition supporters flayed alive in the street is a demonstration of a “lack of respect for human rights”. Besides, 72 is no age for an aspiring dictator. Dictatorially-speaking, the man’s in nappies! (and if he’s anything like me, he will very soon be actually wearing nappies)

I have to confess to a sneaking affection for John-boy. There’s a man with a working knowledge of re-education. A little torture and, all of a sudden, he’s changed his mind on everything from campaign finance to definitions of torture. He’s an inspiration to us all…

July 29: Just like Sex In The City

When Bright Matonga told the press that ?life was good under Mugabe?, I didn?t realise he was referring to Sharon Mugabe. What the hell has he been playing at??! His love-life reads like an omnibus edition of Sex In The City (although even I would have to admit that he?s more of a turn-on than that Sarah Jessica Parker). Even when I was screwing Grace behind Sally?s back, I knew which bed I was supposed to be crawling into each night!

Speaking of memory loss, is Sharon Mugabe really claiming that we are unrelated?? Nice try love, but our surname isn?t exactly the Zimbabwean equivalent of ?Smith? , is it? But my (murmuring) heart does go out to poor old Zogwa Ngwenya – not content with being named after a dyslexic?s nightmare, now she has to find out through the tabloids that the father of her child isn?t just sleeping with her AND his wife, but now a Mugabe as well! Sounds to me like she?s stuck between a cock and a hard face.

28 June: A reply to yesterday’s open letter to Mugabe in “The Zimbabwean”

Dear Bastard,

Firstly, thank you.  Yes, I remain in excellent health, thanks to a strict regime of exercise at 4am, Grecian 2000, Botox injections and an army of ever-willing Malaysian schoolboys who are prepared to supply me with blood.

Now, on to your ?letter?.  You remind me that 28 years ago, I won Zimbabwe?s independence from underneath the public school sandal of British oppression.  Correct.  Your clownish error is the ludicrous assertion that I ?needed the help of multitudes of Zimbabweans in the struggle?.  What hogwash!  A simple matter of checking the record reveals that ?… indeed, such was Mugabe?s personal charisma and brilliance, the revolution would have been won had he simply fought on his own? (citation:  History of Zimbabwean Independence, by R Mugabe (1981) pp. 141-2).

The idea that “God has taken away my mandate” is also fanciful in the extreme.  God may have forsaken Saul, but he still thinks I’m da man.  How else do you explain the beautiful array of palaces He has left at my personal disposal?  He has left Zimbabwe rich beyond its wildest dreams – a nation of billionaires – and it is only the satanic forces of imperialist Britain, who drool lasciviously over my peanut farms, that pretend otherwise.

My personal endorsement from the voters of Zimbabwe is now at unprecedented levels.  112% of the people are with me!  Do you see that kind of support for Gordon Brown or the lickspittle Obama?  No!  These weaklings couldn?t garrotte an opponent if they were tied to the floor and made to wear lederhosen [mental note:  interesting thought]

You quote Samuel 15, v23, but I think a more apt verse is from Ezekiel 5, v17, which reads ?… and the Lord proclaimed Sir Robert Mugabe as the one, true leader of the Zimbabweans.  He said unto the Africans, ?that man is of greater intelligence, better suits and blacker hair than the rest of you… he doth command your respect and obedience until he is at least 130 years of age (constitutional amendments notwithstanding)?.

I hope that you now consider your points dealt with in a respectful manner.  I have taken the liberty of arranging some complimentary “re-education for you”.  Just in case.

Up your arse,

R G Mugabe (formerly Sir Robert Mugabe)

July 25 – Zim to offer asylum to Karadzic

I have been very disturbed by the photos that have been splashed around the world of my good friend Radovan Karadzic.  Another great Socialist and Democrat, thrown to the wolves in a fit of self-righteousness by the pinko turds who run the EU.  ‘Genocide’ my ass.  Those mass graves could’ve been dug by anybody!  I have made the necessary calls and offered a fellow revolutionary hero asylum here in “Trillionaire’s Row” in Harare.  It will be just like old times…

 

Ahhh, back in the day, Rado, Slobo (Slobodan Milosevic, another Dear Leader of the People) and I use to just like hanging out together, sipping coffee, lynching the occasional Muslim and eating that delicious Serbian dish burek (couldn’t be sure, but I think it’s made of a delicate mixture of human brains, drizzled with a fine nougat of baby’s limbs).  We use to call ourselves ‘The Three Comrades’.  We talked about when we all got things settled down in our countries, we would take our holidays together.  We talked about going to Paris, Rome and Berlin… funny we never mentioned the Hague.  None of us seem to have any inclination to venture that way any time soon…

July 24- Gideon has a plan!

I was really getting concerned about this money problem. I need more paper than an army of diarrhoea-sufferers after a night on the beef Vindaloo… first, our spineless Bavarian friends at Giesecke & Devrient buckle under international pressure and abandon me. Now, the British Independent newspaper has rumbled the Vienna-based software company, Jura JSP, who has been supplying the licences and software used to design and print our beautiful, plentiful Zimbabwe dollars. Doubtless, they’ll crumble like the feeble, peacenik pissants that we all know the Austrian people are.

I thought we might go under. Thankfully, Gideon has come up with a cunning plan. It turns out that through the wonder of the interweb, the games company Hasbro allows ANYONE to download and print Monopoly money from their website. Inspired! Gideon said that he thinks he can get his nephew, Robert Gabriel Gono to change the font size so that we can add a few dozen more zeros, and maybe even get my glorious, handsome visage on the bills… What a genius! Give that man a farm!!!

July 23- He is my invertebrate

Geeeez!! A guy says a few nice things about a fellow Head of State and I get a bunch of guff from the people that I work with. Just because I said a couple of nice things about Thabo at the ceremony the other day, I had to suffer snickers and sneers every office I walked into, it was just intolerable!!! OK, OK, OK, yes I have been known, upon occasion, for saying something pejorative or demeaning about the little mutant. But, just because I am a maniacal evil dictator doesn’t mean I can’t say something nice about someone else! I really don’t see what it matters that I have referred to him as a loathsome toad or a slithering newt. As I have maintained all along, Thabo maybe an invertebrate, but he is my invertebrate!

July 22- Missing my vocation

I was sitting in the La-Z-Boy watching Fox News, my favourite source of Fair And Balanced coverage around the world. I’m looking forward to the day that we can open a bureau for them in Harare. I can see myself as a latter-day Bill O’Reilly:

Moron Tsvangirai: You’ve slain thousands of innocent people
Comrade Bob: Shut up.
Morgan T.: But you’ve lost an election in front of the whole world… Why don’t you just step down gracefully?
Comrade Bob: Shut the fuck up.
Morgan T.: Telling me to “shut up”… that’s all you have, isn’t it?
Comrade Bob: Shut up.

Heh heh. I think I could’ve missed my vocation. Speaking of missed vocations, what about Jesse Jackson?!? I saw him discussing Darth Vader Obama (white man on the inside, covered by a black, plastic veneer) and I have to say, I like the cut of his jib. I had never even thought of cutting people’s balls off… What a fantastic idea! I’ve beaten the soles of their feet to a pulp, scolded them with molten plastic, raped their families… but CUT THEIR BALLS OFF… Yes!! The perfect policy prescription for the New Zimbabwe. I have invited the liberation hero onto my negotiating team post haste.

June 21- Cabin Fever

Was feeling the effects of cabin fever. I have been working so hard on preparing for the next round of peace talks, so I told Gracie that we should get out of Harare and take the old Triumph down to Kutama. While we were driving around I saw a bunch of people out working in the field. Gracie and I parked the Triumph and went to talk with them. I asked them what they were doing. They said that do to the economic crisis they had brought the whole family out to plant food just to survive. I noticed that they were all wearing boots and I commented on the fact that when I took power in Zimbabwe 28 years ago, no one had boots when they worked in the field. One of the men that was planting corn looked up and said; ‘Of course we never use to wear boots in the field, we weren’t this deep in s**t then!’

July 20 – Cha-Ching

Had a real giggle going through the Sunday newspapers! They all were speculating about a future Government of National Unity without me. If these mental midgets think I have gone through all this trouble of terrorising the good people of Zimbabwe, rigging an election and then going into debt to both the Russian and the Chinese all on the same damn day at the UN, they are severely delusional!! They think doubling down at the Security Council comes cheaply?

 

This is why I have tasked that little troll Magwana with organising the take over of all the firms still owned by the imperialist pigs. I instructed him to do it with the equal speed to the land reform programme, I need to cash in as soon as possible. Cha-Ching!!!

 

July 19- Nelson ain’t right in the head!

Who comes out of 26 years in prison, becomes elected the first black president of South Africa and then doesn’t rape pillage and plunder the place into the dark ages, I ask you??? He doesn’t hate white guys, he preaches multiculturalism and then he stands down after only one term in office. Just when he should be in the prime of his plundering age, he gives it up to become a goodwill ambassador and stumps around the world to raise money for aids victims. They say I’m the guy that gives leaders a bad name in Africa, but he is the one that is going against every standard set by a generation of African leaders. The pattern is pretty standard, come in on a wave of optimism, say that you are going to tackle poverty, illiteracy and corruption and then find a country where the banks don’t ask too many questions and start filling your private accounts. There is never a question about how much you steal, it’s just that you hang on as long as you can until the old ticker gives out, beating, killing and maiming your opposition along the way. That is the model of African leadership, not Madiba, but me!!!