June 20 – What is going on with Grace and Gideon?

I do wish that Grace wouldn’t dye her hair blonde.  She knows how much I hate it.  It reminds me of one of those British bimbos I so despise.  How can I rail against the imperialist flunkies when my wife looks like an imperialist floosie?

 

I said this to Gideon the other day and he said he found her hair quite fetching.  What is going on with those two?  I hope that Grace is not shopping around again.

 

I saw a nice young soldier during a parade today. I do like a man in uniform!!! I don’t know why am stressing about Grace.  There are other ways to be liberated.

June 19 – Saving me from Grace

The cleaners finally got out of here late this afternoon. I hate having them around, but the place was a bit of a tip after Thabo’s (aka ‘Little House’) birthday party yesterday.  He is an annoying little shit, but he is MY little shit!!!  Besides he is the only one that seems to save me from dining alone with Grace.  Goddamn that youthful trollop, with her imperialist hair, youthful, 44-year-old, ever-open legs and clothes that always smell of other men… urgh.  If I was thirty years younger…

 

Still, good news.  The MDC morons still think we want to negotiate.  Hahahahaha good old Thabo!

June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

Had a visit from my Little House (Mbeki)’s friends from the ANC.  It’s his birthday today, and my present to him was the guarantee of my smiling presence in office, after the 27th June.  Apparently, some of his team weren’t so sure though.  Here’s an extract from my conversation with one of the pathetic lackeys:

 

ANC Delegate:  So about this election then…

 

Me:   Sorry.  We’re closing for lunch. Continue reading June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

June 18 – Bad Bob’s Used Cars

Have decided to raise a little extra wonga by selling some of my excess motors (after all, elections just don’t steal themselves now, do they?)  Some of the great deals on offer will include one “slightly-burnt red/black campaign bus”, one “like-new armoured Merceded saloon car (with minor bullet damage)” and a selection of fine 2-stroke mopeds (instructions in Chinese).

 

Bad Bob’s Crazy Car deals is sure to be a hit among the discerning Harare elite… and of course if it isn’t, they get hit in a different way… heh heh. 

 

I’m struggling with a snappy slogan, though.  Toying around with the following:

 

Bad Bob’s Cars… Vans… Elections…whatever, It’s A Steal!

100% Empowerment (3,000,000% APR)

Buy now, pay later… again, and again, and again…

Bad Bob, where we apply the “Biti Principle”: No formal charges necessary!

June 17 – Happy Endings

Do people not understand that the life of the modern-day dictator is not just fun and games?  Especially when one is trying to rig (sorry, reeducate) an election.  It is all work work work!!  In the old days we just called the heavies in from the jungle and let them do the lifting.  Today, you have to fabricate evidence, forge documents and employ a lacky to handle all the bothersome enquiries from the imperialist media, lapdog NGOs and banana-stealing US presidential candidates.  Don’t these bastards know I have better things to do with my time!!???

 

I have been so busy that I have had to cancel my scheduled trip to China to have a complete blood transfusion (my third .  I guess that is not all bad, I seemed to have been drawing enough blood from the MDC… Hahahahah, sorry, I crack myself up!  I will miss China though… ever since I have started these blood transfusions I find myself loving a bit of Sweet and Sour Pork.  I‘ll also miss the Chinese massage I get from my boy… especially the “Happy Endings”!

June 16 – Obama On My Mind

Saw that two bit wannabe tea-boy Barack Obama has pledged his “support” to the pathetic traitors who would steal my palaces and suckle from Zimbabwe’s precious, if somewhat wizened, teat… That man is as black as an albino Aryan choirboy (mental note:  Yummy!).  If he was any less black, he’d be clear!  I’m sure the only reason this fawning little apple-polishing yes-man wants to be President is so that he can bend his knee and serve the coffees at Number 10 Downing St.  Parasite!!

 

I called Hillary, from whom I have long taken inspiration – http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1996650/posts – to offer my commiserations.  She would have made a fine African socialist and democrat:  Never gives up, ignores every possible indication that her goose is cooked and simply ploughs on into oblivion, regardless.  I had offered to help the old girl out by sending in the military, but she said the time wasn’t right.  Shame.

June 13 – Facebook

It’s time I got myself plugged into the interweb.  People around the world need to know that an 84 year old dictator CAN be down with the kids.  So I’ve set up my own “Facebook” page – http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1324632353 – now we’ll see how much of an ‘international pariah’ I am.  Hah!  Here’s some of my profile information:

 

Name:              Bob Mugabe

Age:                84 and a quarter

Political Views: Compassionate Conservative

Employer:        Gov’t of Zimbabwe

Period:             1980-

Job:                  Dictator

 

Interests:         Gardening, Reading, Mid-level Genocide

Interested In:  Women (prefer 40 years or more younger)

My Favorite Movies: Rambo (First Blood)

                                    My Stepmom Is An Alien

                                    Terminator II – Judgment Day

                                    War Games

                                    Care Bears Movie

 

My Favorite TV:         What Not To Wear

                                    The Apprentice

                                    Spooks

                                    Baywatch

 

June 12 – The SADC Dance

Dear Diary,

 

Today, I’m depressed.  My secretary just reminded me the SADC observers are deploying.  They are such an annoyance.  I always dread this day.  This doesn’t mean I have to stop.  I just have to slow down a little bit on the murder and mayhem.  But, at least I got Biti before they came. 

 

I did tell my boys at the JOC to be a little careful.  But, I’ve always got my little house Mbeki.  He and I know how to do this dance.

 

June 12 – Royal Exposure

That nice man Charles Davy called again this morning… such a fine Zimbabwean patriot, it’s a shame he couldn’t be a little… well… more African-looking.  But, as I always try to say to that Tsvangirai traitor, ‘you can’t always get what you want’… hahahahaha, I’ve still got it.

Right, must keep it short.  My Small House (Mbeki) is popping over the border for a light supper.

June 10

Today I will announce my new, Three Point Economic Plan to create a formidable new Zimbabwe and defeat the bastard, lickspittle Imperialist British invaders who mass on our borders and long to steal my bananas. It is a masterpiece of simplicity, strength and socialism… with a helping of good, old-fashioned common sense.
Dear diary, I should like you to be the first to see it… Here goes:

  1. We have no money? Print more then. Duh! Some people just don’t get it. Matonga claims this will only lead to inflation… And they call him Bright???!! I shall instigate a special new 1 Trillion Dollar note, available to anybody who brings us the decapitated head of a poll monitor. Now THAT is what you call performance-related pay!
  2. Peg the Zimbabwean Dollar to the Italian Lira. My so-called Council of Economic Experts tell me that the Lira is a defunct currency that was abandoned years ago. These people are fools. I confidently predict the Lira’s imminent reinstatement and installation as a kind of international gold standard, used by everyone and which will have the Americans crawling to Zimbabwe on their knees.
  3. Constitutional Amendment 42: An Annual Budget Allocation of 300 pairs of Ferragomo shoes for Mrs Mugabe. To be imported directly from Rome. Not expecting any problems from the EU on that front.