June 25 – An Evening with Elvis

I decided to take a break from raping and pillaging to settle down for an evening with Elvis’ “Aloha From Hawaii”, when that dolt Matonga rang.  Apparently, the Queen had called to say that she was stripping me of my honourary knighthood.  My palms started sweating… my pulse raced up to 24 beats per minute… Panic.  Confusion.  Fear….  Would I have to give my favourite, green ceremonial sash back???  Damn, I look good in that thing.

Later…Revulsion…and Anger.  How dare she??? HOW DARE SHE????  That unelected dictator!!  That twisted old prune, perched atop a throne like a boil sitting on a beautiful breast!!  Doesn’t she realise?  She’s in her EIGHTIES!!!  Duh, Brenda.  Oh, Breeeenda!!!  Time to give up the ghost, luv.  Time for a change at the top.

June 24 – I hope they lose the World Cup

Had a bizarre dream last night! I had just had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, I had a near death experience.

Seeing God, I asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 13 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, I decided, what the hell, I’ll beat the crap out of my opponents, starve my people and threaten war against my people. I even decided to arrest the opposition leaders and try them for treason. Since I had so much more time to live, I figured I might as well make the most of it.
 
After I stole the election and was inaugurated I was riding back to a visit Katuma with the missus.  While crossing a busy intersection we were hit and crushed by one of my new Mercedes anti-riot vehicles.
 
Arriving in front of God, I demanded, “I thought you said I had another 13 years? Why didn’t you divert me from the path of my new Mercedes anti-riot vehicles?”

God replied, “You hadn’t asked me to remove you from power yet!”

PS: Was just handed the ANC press release. Those half-baked Blair-Bush boot-lickers!!  I was fighting the limey imperialist B’staads while most of them were still an annoyance in their father’s nether regions. I hope they do lose the sodding 2010 World Cup!!!!

 

June 23 – I am King

Busy, busy, busy day!  Need to start planning the coronation, err…, I mean inauguration.  In fact, bugger it.  Call it a coronation.  Think it’s about time Zimbabwe had a new King.  One that says “don’t step on my blue suede Jimmy Choos.”  Heh heh.

 

Esch.  Grace just popped her head in, saying she needed to go buy a new dress for the party.  I told her no, she just bought several dresses in Rome. What does that woman think, I just print the damned money?? 

 

Later…  So Tsvangirai’s hiding out with the bloody Dutch!!!  Goddamit, just when I thought I had that scab inside my vice-like (trembling) grip, they step in and give the rat-bastard, milque toast turd-burgular asylum.  Another day… another fire to put out.  And some people think I knew there was a reason I never like Gouda. 

 

What does God want?

That bog-trotting, Commie boot-polisher Tsvangirari is all over the airwaves calling on me to stand down.  He says I have no support.  Hogwash!!  Grace supports me.  Bright Matonga supports me.  I support me….

Wait.  Not so sure about Matonga.  Anyway, it’s time I got my 84 year-old lead out, to prove I can still swing it.  Here’s the address I intend to give tonight:

 

My fellow Zimbababweanees.

Today we find ourselves at a critical junction in our history.  Between the future and the past.

Some might say that the kind of leadership that has left our fields barren, our economy a joke and an inflation rate that looks more like a telephone number, has probably had its day.

That it’s the kind of leadership that should probably just shuffle off stage, with a rather apologetic shrug.

I say NO!!!!  (and not just because I’m going deaf)

I say what created our recent past can indeed obliterate our future.

And to those who say I can’t do this, I say… “yes I can!!”

To those who say I cannot stand unaided any more, I say…. “yes I can!!!”

To those who say I can’t continue to govern with the same, crap policies and no bedrock of public support, I say “YES I CAAAAAAAAAN!!!!”  [Thank you, Barack Obama.  Heh heh]

 

I say hang the bastards who point out what’s as obvious as the nose on your face.

Call them traitors!!!  Call them pathetic!!!  Call them liars!!!

Because if I sneer and shout loudly enough, then IT MUST BE TRUE.

Now THAT, my friends, is leadership.

Only God can remove me now.  (and if the tingling sensation I get down my left-hand side is anything to go by, He might be thinking about it)

Or Elvis.  If he got in touch, I might consider it too.

Thank ya very much (apologises to the King).  And God bless Zimbabwe.

 

Later…. Received text from Tutu.  Said God had called, wanted me out.

June 21 – Dreaming of Hong Kong

Up before dawn as usual (4.00am), ever since I started having the Jing-Jang blood transfusions I can’t sleep past 10.00am Hong Kong time. I guess one benefit is that I have a few hours of peace before I have to suffer the dulcet tones of the misses!

 

Bummer to hear the news about my good friend Sir Martin Sorrell, some say he is a spin-doctor, but he is my ‘sangoma’. Still hope he’ll be able to finish running my campaign, the Bell has not finished tolling there! Besides, us little guys with Napoleonic complexes need to stick together.

June 20 – What is going on with Grace and Gideon?

I do wish that Grace wouldn’t dye her hair blonde.  She knows how much I hate it.  It reminds me of one of those British bimbos I so despise.  How can I rail against the imperialist flunkies when my wife looks like an imperialist floosie?

 

I said this to Gideon the other day and he said he found her hair quite fetching.  What is going on with those two?  I hope that Grace is not shopping around again.

 

I saw a nice young soldier during a parade today. I do like a man in uniform!!! I don’t know why am stressing about Grace.  There are other ways to be liberated.

June 19 – Saving me from Grace

The cleaners finally got out of here late this afternoon. I hate having them around, but the place was a bit of a tip after Thabo’s (aka ‘Little House’) birthday party yesterday.  He is an annoying little shit, but he is MY little shit!!!  Besides he is the only one that seems to save me from dining alone with Grace.  Goddamn that youthful trollop, with her imperialist hair, youthful, 44-year-old, ever-open legs and clothes that always smell of other men… urgh.  If I was thirty years younger…

 

Still, good news.  The MDC morons still think we want to negotiate.  Hahahahaha good old Thabo!

June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

Had a visit from my Little House (Mbeki)’s friends from the ANC.  It’s his birthday today, and my present to him was the guarantee of my smiling presence in office, after the 27th June.  Apparently, some of his team weren’t so sure though.  Here’s an extract from my conversation with one of the pathetic lackeys:

 

ANC Delegate:  So about this election then…

 

Me:   Sorry.  We’re closing for lunch. Continue reading June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

June 18 – Bad Bob’s Used Cars

Have decided to raise a little extra wonga by selling some of my excess motors (after all, elections just don’t steal themselves now, do they?)  Some of the great deals on offer will include one “slightly-burnt red/black campaign bus”, one “like-new armoured Merceded saloon car (with minor bullet damage)” and a selection of fine 2-stroke mopeds (instructions in Chinese).

 

Bad Bob’s Crazy Car deals is sure to be a hit among the discerning Harare elite… and of course if it isn’t, they get hit in a different way… heh heh. 

 

I’m struggling with a snappy slogan, though.  Toying around with the following:

 

Bad Bob’s Cars… Vans… Elections…whatever, It’s A Steal!

100% Empowerment (3,000,000% APR)

Buy now, pay later… again, and again, and again…

Bad Bob, where we apply the “Biti Principle”: No formal charges necessary!

June 17 – Happy Endings

Do people not understand that the life of the modern-day dictator is not just fun and games?  Especially when one is trying to rig (sorry, reeducate) an election.  It is all work work work!!  In the old days we just called the heavies in from the jungle and let them do the lifting.  Today, you have to fabricate evidence, forge documents and employ a lacky to handle all the bothersome enquiries from the imperialist media, lapdog NGOs and banana-stealing US presidential candidates.  Don’t these bastards know I have better things to do with my time!!???

 

I have been so busy that I have had to cancel my scheduled trip to China to have a complete blood transfusion (my third .  I guess that is not all bad, I seemed to have been drawing enough blood from the MDC… Hahahahah, sorry, I crack myself up!  I will miss China though… ever since I have started these blood transfusions I find myself loving a bit of Sweet and Sour Pork.  I‘ll also miss the Chinese massage I get from my boy… especially the “Happy Endings”!