Just got off the phone with the order department at Fortnum and Mason. As it turns out, the other day when I was discussing handing out these food hampers to ease the suffering of my ‘great unwashed’, the good lady wife took it upon herself to ring Fortnum and Mason to order 100,000 gift hampers. The only reason that I found out about her order is that Fortnum and Mason rang us to say that they couldn’t provide 25,000 Strand hampers, but recommended the Trafalgar Hamper instead and they needed confirmation of the 100,000 postal addresses for delivery!!! What has gotten into the woman’s head? Is the bleach killing her little gray cells? She think she is the second coming Marie Antoinette??!!
So, those treacherous, wannabe English schoolboys in the MDC have finally cracked and agreed to come to my (dynamite-rigged) negotiating table. Heh heh. Of course, I’m totally committed to a fair and honourable solution for all parties concerned… Which I believe consists of Presidency For Life status for me; massive suitcases full of money, freshly purloined farms and a Mercedes for every ZANU-PF MP; and a cabinet-level position for Moron Tsvangirai commensurate with his skills and experience (Tea Lady).
The time has come for us to draw a line in the sand. To come together and ensure that everyone that didn’t vote for me stays on the other side of that line, in a state of perpetual terror, denied access to food, shelter fuel or medical assistance. This, my friends, is the New Zimbabwe. The Free Zimbabwe. We can move forward, together, in a world where everybody wins. Or, to put it another (and slightly more accurate) way, where I win. Like Christians in the Lions’ den, my people will stand tall and proud… And then do as they are damned well told. As Obama might say, I have seen the future and it is black.
Right. So, Obama’s on a world tour to burnish his foreign policy credentials and try to distract from the political criticism from his base about wire-tapping. Gordon Brown is launching an initiative to tackle an epidemic of knife crime across the city of London. Nicolas Sarkozy is attempting to bring peace to the Middle East. And me? PRESIDENT of Zimbabwe??? I am attempting to find a PAPER supplier, because this two-bit, cockanammy country doesn’t have anyone to make it’s frickin’ BANKNOTES anymore! Jesus, can’t we just use matchsticks??? This is just the kind of talk that lets “Vanilla Ice” Obama and “Captain One-Eye” Brown say that this place is a “basket case”… Jesus. The way they talk, you’d think that Zimbabwe is being run by a paranoid geriatric who pisses into rubber pants, not a proud hero of the African Nation.
Therefore, I have decided to take a leaf out of Ahmadinejad’s book and indulge in some missile firing sabre-rattling to terrify the international community and bring them crawling to my plastic knees in subjugation. Unfortunately, we’re not quite at the level of Iran’s near-nuclear, long-range “Shahab 3” rocket program… Chiwenga says that we can’t afford the petrol. Nevertheless, my “GrassCutter 7” missile capability is sure to strike cold terror into the hearts of my opponents. Although seemingly only constructed from bits of old AirFix models, GrassCutter still has a range of almost 140 yards. Undetectable by even the most advanced forms of radar, it flies only eight feet from the ground. And is utterly deadly…. if thrown really, really, really hard.
Let’s see who’s “illegitimate” now!!!
Received a nice thank you note this morning from (not so) Bright and Sharon for their wedding present. Bright and Sharon, wouldn’t that be an oxymoron in Essex?? Heh!, Old Bobby boy you’ve still got it!
Anyway I digress, Gracie was a little pissed off that I gave them so much for their wedding present. I said how often is it that one of my closest nieces gets married? And beside in a few weeks, when things have settled down, I’ll turf that English bitch, the first Mrs. Bright out of the farm I gave them in Banket and sell it to the Chinese at a jacked up rate!!!!
I will miss the first Mrs. Bright, she was one of the few white apologist of my very racist land grab programme. You would think I might have trouble sleeping from kicking to the curb someone that had once supported me, but then you would have forgotten the fact I am a psychotic megalomaniac!!! Oh, Booby is feeling sleepy, I think I’ll go take a nap!
Oh my God the braai was piss up! My head is still spinning!! Dima (The President of Russia wants me to refer to him as Dima) was unable to attend, but he had a case of vodka flown in especially from Russia. The Russian Ambassador Oleg Scherbak brought it over and also brought a case of lemons. We sliced the lemons, put pepper on them and after knocking back a shot of vodka, we’d chew on the lemon. He said this is what is called Vodka Siberski! Thabo really got pissed as a fart! He led the macarena from on top of a table and got a bit weepy when he sang L’Internationale. I had to send him home when he started hitting on Grace. She was equally leg-less, so no great conquest there! Strange, but Gideon looked upset at Grace. Meanwhile I found the young waiter had a strangely arousing appeal — I hope Grace didn’t notice the extra attention he gave me.
Had a few regrets sent, Leigh Clifford couldn’t come, but he did send some kangaroo for the braai. Hu Jintao sent his regrets saying something about the Olympics and not a good time to be seen in Zimbabwe. That little shit Martin Sorell didn’t send a note! First he ditches me on my campaign and now this!!!
Oh surely I must be in God’s good graces, how else would a mild manner maniacal dictator like me expect such an outpouring of support as I received yesterday from all my good friends at the UN. And I also must say two fingers to those imperial swine, the US and the UK! Grace always says it pays to say thank you – it certainly didn’t hurt to thank Mercedes for their nice armoured vehicles. So, I have decided that I will throw a braai for all my good friends. I need to work on the guest list…. Well of course in will be that nice man Dmitry Medvedev, Hu Jintao will need to fly in from China and of course Thabo can man the braai.
And then there are Rio and Barclays I should thank the boards of both companies – I know they would appreciate an invitation to braai given that most other boards have turned up their nose at my violence and murdering behaviour – not Rio or Barclays – they’re happy to make a buck even if it one my Zim dollars.
In the interests of cheering up my beloved people, I have decided to develop a new reality game show for Zimbabwe. Am struggling with the format though. I quite like the idea of Zimbabwean Idol… but what about a take-off of Britain’s Fame Academy (Maim Academy???).
I would say Big Brother, but why make a TV show when you’ve got the real thing?! Besides, I have a hankering to hear some show tunes…
So much work to do, but I already have done a lot of work on the format:
Contestants will compete through a gruelling series of 54 rounds – They will each be required to sing one ballad, one pop song and 52 ZANU-PF marching songs. After each round, a contestant will be eliminated (i.e. burned alive) and there will be plenty of fun additions to keep the excitement up.
For instance, how about a round of Who Wants To Be A [Zimbabwean dollar] Quadrillionaire? Or Run The Gauntlet (Featuring the Green Bombers)???
So many things to do and so little time!!!! I spoke to Thabo yesterday and told him to quit lollygagging and to get his black tuckus back from Tokyo. We need to steamroll the MDC back into negotiations so it looks like we are doing something before the US can get their sanction resolution before the Security Council. I know what you are thinking, the MDC has stated they are not negotiating and that they have set a whole host of conditions, but didn?t we undermine all that when that stooge Biti requested the court for his passport to be returned so he could travel? Travel to what I ask??? Negotiations with us!!!!! Ha ha ha ha.
I really don?t understand when people criticise me for being a horrible dictator. I must be doing something right; God has seen fit to give this maniacal dictator the most incompetent opposition!
I guess I’m going to have to take back all those racist invectives I have been spewing to anyone that would listen! Grace’s bischon fries took such exception to my comments while these dribble sucking cracka’s were meeting in Tokyo that the little b***h piddled in my shoe!! Just when I thought there was no hope for ‘whitey’, Dmitriy steps up and says Russia will veto the sanctions!!! Who says I have no friends??
Grace is giddy! Soon as heard the news that the Russians will veto the sanctions, she checked her Ferragamo catalog and saw that Moscow has a boutique. Who knows their blood may be better than the Chinese!
The little MUPPET did it!!!!! Thabo went to Tokyo, took a verbal onslaught from the devil spawn imperialist and against all odds remains the SADC negotiator!! They can talk all they want about ‘smart sanctions’, who are they kidding?? Those idiots just don’t get it, as long as I have my ‘little house’ Thabo running cover for me, bugger the rest! They are actually going to make it easier for me to keep the likes of Gideon, Emerson and Constantine in check. I love to see the look on Gideon’s face when he realises that his ‘minute before midnight’ money is going now going to be frozen in the banks of Dubai!