June 15 – 100% Zimbabwe

Re-branding of the People’s Democratic Republic of Zimbabwe continues apace… Some imperialist lap-dog suggested that my slogan “100% Zimbabwe” wasn’t exactly ‘credible’.  Hogwash.  So what if Germans print our money, China makes our weapons and Brits do my PR????  This is exactly the kind of weak-kneed talk that saw poor old General Galtieri forced out by the whore of Grantham (Margaret Thatcher) 26 years ago…


Still, I relented and agreed to rebadge all the goods I’ve been picking up from China, Israel and North Korea “Made In Harare”…  A neat little trick I picked up from Wal-Mart (purveyor of quality discounted goods to the discerning evil invader).

Reminds me, must call Sir Martin Sorrell to say ‘thanks’ for all the help with our advertising and messaging.

Later:  I’ve decided to arrest Morgan again, just for yups.  Heh heh.  I told them all we wouldn’t capture him again and then… we did!  Brilliant!!!  My strategy is so refined, even I don’t know what I’m going to do next…


My New Song – The MDC Hokey Pokey

We put your right-hand (man) in…

We pull your right-hand (man) out…

In… Out… In… Out, we shake him all about

You do in Tendai Biti and you bury him in the ground

And that’s what it’s all about…  Hey!

June 13 – Facebook

It’s time I got myself plugged into the interweb.  People around the world need to know that an 84 year old dictator CAN be down with the kids.  So I’ve set up my own “Facebook” page – http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1324632353 – now we’ll see how much of an ‘international pariah’ I am.  Hah!  Here’s some of my profile information:


Name:              Bob Mugabe

Age:                84 and a quarter

Political Views: Compassionate Conservative

Employer:        Gov’t of Zimbabwe

Period:             1980-

Job:                  Dictator


Interests:         Gardening, Reading, Mid-level Genocide

Interested In:  Women (prefer 40 years or more younger)

My Favorite Movies: Rambo (First Blood)

                                    My Stepmom Is An Alien

                                    Terminator II – Judgment Day

                                    War Games

                                    Care Bears Movie


My Favorite TV:         What Not To Wear

                                    The Apprentice




June 12 – The SADC Dance

Dear Diary,


Today, I’m depressed.  My secretary just reminded me the SADC observers are deploying.  They are such an annoyance.  I always dread this day.  This doesn’t mean I have to stop.  I just have to slow down a little bit on the murder and mayhem.  But, at least I got Biti before they came. 


I did tell my boys at the JOC to be a little careful.  But, I’ve always got my little house Mbeki.  He and I know how to do this dance.


June 11 – No Shopping? Two can play at that game.

Heard today that that collar wearing, limey loving, Muppet Tutu has called for me to resign. What does that man want, peace and tranquility to break out across the country??!! What would I keep all my Defense Forces busy with? You know what they say; ‘Idle hands are the devil’s workshop!’ And if he thinks I am going to allow the blue helmets of the UN to interfere in Zimbabwe’s election- I’m the only one allowed to do that.


2pm – Just spoke to the Honorable Wang (China UN ambassador), there is no chance of UN involvement. And it only cost me (well, my country) 30 tons of tobacco, but what is a little lung cancer to protect my people from UN troops!!!


5pm – Grace has demanded another shopping spree in Europe. Good thing that I asked our German friend, Dr. Karsten Ottenberg, the CEO of Giesecke & Devrient (G&D) to print a few billion extra this month! Why couldn’t I marry a woman that liked Chinese shoes, Wang could get them plenty cheap!


Had to break the bad news to Grace (that’ll cost me!), the trip to Europe is off, the damned British Conservatives have introduced legislation in the European Parliament to arrest me if I enter the EU! Don’t those bastard English know, I only do these trips to keep ‘she who must be obeyed’ happy? Wait til the next time they want to take their Missuses shopping in Harare, I’ll make sure there is nothing in the shops for them to buy, oops, I’ve already done that!


June 10

Today I will announce my new, Three Point Economic Plan to create a formidable new Zimbabwe and defeat the bastard, lickspittle Imperialist British invaders who mass on our borders and long to steal my bananas. It is a masterpiece of simplicity, strength and socialism… with a helping of good, old-fashioned common sense.
Dear diary, I should like you to be the first to see it… Here goes:

  1. We have no money? Print more then. Duh! Some people just don’t get it. Matonga claims this will only lead to inflation… And they call him Bright???!! I shall instigate a special new 1 Trillion Dollar note, available to anybody who brings us the decapitated head of a poll monitor. Now THAT is what you call performance-related pay!
  2. Peg the Zimbabwean Dollar to the Italian Lira. My so-called Council of Economic Experts tell me that the Lira is a defunct currency that was abandoned years ago. These people are fools. I confidently predict the Lira’s imminent reinstatement and installation as a kind of international gold standard, used by everyone and which will have the Americans crawling to Zimbabwe on their knees.
  3. Constitutional Amendment 42: An Annual Budget Allocation of 300 pairs of Ferragomo shoes for Mrs Mugabe. To be imported directly from Rome. Not expecting any problems from the EU on that front.

June 9

The Re-Education programme (a.k.a.  “No Zimbabwean Left Behind”) continues apace.  I really don’t think people understand what an undertaking this kind of national benevolent project is… half a million voters need to be made to understood the error of their ways in just three weeks.  THREE weeks.  That’s 25,000 people to Re-Educate per week!!  Sheesh.
Made a note on the calendar:  16 June.  The SADC busy-bodies arrive.  No re-education to be performed that day.

June 8

Results are already piling in from the election in two weeks. I find myself truly humbled by the level of support that we have gained. A mandate of over 12 million votes, and we only have an electorate of 5.7 million! I can only guess that people feel so overwhelmed with positive feeling for my re-election as Father of the Nation that they decided to vote twice… How my people must love me. Which reminds me… Mental note: Must order that eight tonnes of Small Arms and Ammunitions from the Chinese. Mind like a sieve!

Later… I have just come up with another brilliant slogan for my PR guys – “Zanu PF: Vote Early! Vote Often!!”