July 20 – Cha-Ching

Had a real giggle going through the Sunday newspapers! They all were speculating about a future Government of National Unity without me. If these mental midgets think I have gone through all this trouble of terrorising the good people of Zimbabwe, rigging an election and then going into debt to both the Russian and the Chinese all on the same damn day at the UN, they are severely delusional!! They think doubling down at the Security Council comes cheaply?

 

This is why I have tasked that little troll Magwana with organising the take over of all the firms still owned by the imperialist pigs. I instructed him to do it with the equal speed to the land reform programme, I need to cash in as soon as possible. Cha-Ching!!!

 

July 4 – My brown trousers

Reports began coming in yesterday that Botswana is building up its forces along our border. In an effort to be prepared, I called several ‘high level’ meetings to prepare us from a potential attack by these lackeys to the imperialists!

I have meetings scheduled with the JOC, on strategic planning, tactics and operations as well as logistics. However, before all that I needed to figure out what does wartime president/dictator wear for such an event?  My first meeting this morning was with my tailor, my valet and of course my style guru Grace. We had a long discussion about the history of uniforms; I learned a lot of interesting things! Did you know for example that the purpose of the scum sucking British wearing red coats back in the days of yore was that if they were shot, their enemy couldn’t see the blood on their tunic?

This sparked off several hours of heated debate. It was strange; after all the name calling, the only thing that my advisors were in agreement on is that I should wear brown trousers???

 

June 29 – I am the Comeback Kid

I can’t believe it!!!  I won!!!!  I am, truly, the comeback kid.  To think that, less that three months ago, I didn’t win a single constituency in Harare .  On Friday, I got a clean sweep!!  My share of the vote was an astonishing 85% (now that was astonishing; I’d ordered the ZEC to give it as 120%.  The pusillanimous little turds.  I feel a little re-education coming on….)  But what could’ve changed so many minds in such a short space of time?  I find myself mystified, yet gratified.  Truly, my people must love me. 

I must send that little dog Thabo a thank you gift.  I can always count on him.  I must remind him he promised me a box for the 2010 world cup.

 I had a first draft for my inauguration address, but once I ran it by Emerson, he thought I needed to make some changes. I really didn?t think there was anything wrong, but… For example he suggested that I refer to the assembled guest as; Your Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen, rather than; Yo, beyaches and Ho?s. Another suggestion was that I refer to the electorate as ?stake holders? (I need to stop sending him to Imperialist NGO workshops!) rather than loathsome maggots! He also thought I went a bit far when I described fellow members of the AU as spittle dribbling bootlickers and my opponents as pond scum.

I hope Grace keeps her head covered.  That blonde look is really starting to get to me.  Although I notice those glances Gideon sends her way.

June 23 – I am King

Busy, busy, busy day!  Need to start planning the coronation, err…, I mean inauguration.  In fact, bugger it.  Call it a coronation.  Think it’s about time Zimbabwe had a new King.  One that says “don’t step on my blue suede Jimmy Choos.”  Heh heh.

 

Esch.  Grace just popped her head in, saying she needed to go buy a new dress for the party.  I told her no, she just bought several dresses in Rome. What does that woman think, I just print the damned money?? 

 

Later…  So Tsvangirai’s hiding out with the bloody Dutch!!!  Goddamit, just when I thought I had that scab inside my vice-like (trembling) grip, they step in and give the rat-bastard, milque toast turd-burgular asylum.  Another day… another fire to put out.  And some people think I knew there was a reason I never like Gouda. 

 

June 20 – What is going on with Grace and Gideon?

I do wish that Grace wouldn’t dye her hair blonde.  She knows how much I hate it.  It reminds me of one of those British bimbos I so despise.  How can I rail against the imperialist flunkies when my wife looks like an imperialist floosie?

 

I said this to Gideon the other day and he said he found her hair quite fetching.  What is going on with those two?  I hope that Grace is not shopping around again.

 

I saw a nice young soldier during a parade today. I do like a man in uniform!!! I don’t know why am stressing about Grace.  There are other ways to be liberated.

June 18 – Bad Bob’s Used Cars

Have decided to raise a little extra wonga by selling some of my excess motors (after all, elections just don’t steal themselves now, do they?)  Some of the great deals on offer will include one “slightly-burnt red/black campaign bus”, one “like-new armoured Merceded saloon car (with minor bullet damage)” and a selection of fine 2-stroke mopeds (instructions in Chinese).

 

Bad Bob’s Crazy Car deals is sure to be a hit among the discerning Harare elite… and of course if it isn’t, they get hit in a different way… heh heh. 

 

I’m struggling with a snappy slogan, though.  Toying around with the following:

 

Bad Bob’s Cars… Vans… Elections…whatever, It’s A Steal!

100% Empowerment (3,000,000% APR)

Buy now, pay later… again, and again, and again…

Bad Bob, where we apply the “Biti Principle”: No formal charges necessary!

June 17 – Happy Endings

Do people not understand that the life of the modern-day dictator is not just fun and games?  Especially when one is trying to rig (sorry, reeducate) an election.  It is all work work work!!  In the old days we just called the heavies in from the jungle and let them do the lifting.  Today, you have to fabricate evidence, forge documents and employ a lacky to handle all the bothersome enquiries from the imperialist media, lapdog NGOs and banana-stealing US presidential candidates.  Don’t these bastards know I have better things to do with my time!!???

 

I have been so busy that I have had to cancel my scheduled trip to China to have a complete blood transfusion (my third .  I guess that is not all bad, I seemed to have been drawing enough blood from the MDC… Hahahahah, sorry, I crack myself up!  I will miss China though… ever since I have started these blood transfusions I find myself loving a bit of Sweet and Sour Pork.  I‘ll also miss the Chinese massage I get from my boy… especially the “Happy Endings”!

June 13 – Facebook

It’s time I got myself plugged into the interweb.  People around the world need to know that an 84 year old dictator CAN be down with the kids.  So I’ve set up my own “Facebook” page – http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1324632353 – now we’ll see how much of an ‘international pariah’ I am.  Hah!  Here’s some of my profile information:

 

Name:              Bob Mugabe

Age:                84 and a quarter

Political Views: Compassionate Conservative

Employer:        Gov’t of Zimbabwe

Period:             1980-

Job:                  Dictator

 

Interests:         Gardening, Reading, Mid-level Genocide

Interested In:  Women (prefer 40 years or more younger)

My Favorite Movies: Rambo (First Blood)

                                    My Stepmom Is An Alien

                                    Terminator II – Judgment Day

                                    War Games

                                    Care Bears Movie

 

My Favorite TV:         What Not To Wear

                                    The Apprentice

                                    Spooks

                                    Baywatch

 

June 12 – The SADC Dance

Dear Diary,

 

Today, I’m depressed.  My secretary just reminded me the SADC observers are deploying.  They are such an annoyance.  I always dread this day.  This doesn’t mean I have to stop.  I just have to slow down a little bit on the murder and mayhem.  But, at least I got Biti before they came. 

 

I did tell my boys at the JOC to be a little careful.  But, I’ve always got my little house Mbeki.  He and I know how to do this dance.

 

June 12 – Royal Exposure

That nice man Charles Davy called again this morning… such a fine Zimbabwean patriot, it’s a shame he couldn’t be a little… well… more African-looking.  But, as I always try to say to that Tsvangirai traitor, ‘you can’t always get what you want’… hahahahaha, I’ve still got it.

Right, must keep it short.  My Small House (Mbeki) is popping over the border for a light supper.