June 29 – I am the Comeback Kid

I can’t believe it!!!  I won!!!!  I am, truly, the comeback kid.  To think that, less that three months ago, I didn’t win a single constituency in Harare .  On Friday, I got a clean sweep!!  My share of the vote was an astonishing 85% (now that was astonishing; I’d ordered the ZEC to give it as 120%.  The pusillanimous little turds.  I feel a little re-education coming on….)  But what could’ve changed so many minds in such a short space of time?  I find myself mystified, yet gratified.  Truly, my people must love me. 

I must send that little dog Thabo a thank you gift.  I can always count on him.  I must remind him he promised me a box for the 2010 world cup.

 I had a first draft for my inauguration address, but once I ran it by Emerson, he thought I needed to make some changes. I really didn?t think there was anything wrong, but… For example he suggested that I refer to the assembled guest as; Your Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen, rather than; Yo, beyaches and Ho?s. Another suggestion was that I refer to the electorate as ?stake holders? (I need to stop sending him to Imperialist NGO workshops!) rather than loathsome maggots! He also thought I went a bit far when I described fellow members of the AU as spittle dribbling bootlickers and my opponents as pond scum.

I hope Grace keeps her head covered.  That blonde look is really starting to get to me.  Although I notice those glances Gideon sends her way.

June 27 – I need a vacation

AAaaahh, another election day!  In some ways they have become rather tiresome. My well-rehearsed look of surprise is made slightly harder by all the botox injections.  Preparing for the usual photo-call is made harder by my constantly losing consciousness, and only being able to stand unaided for four minutes at a time.  Most of all though, it’s the ungrateful bastards who I have to have clubbed into the polling booths. Come tomorrow they are going to expect me to feed, clothe, house and, I wouldn’t be surprised, even educate them. Talk about the great unwashed!  It’ll be sooo nice to get to a cultural metropolis like Tripoli…. No more election, no more bitching, and end to the constant yammering that they don’t have enough food!

Emerson just popped his head in.  Strangely he told me that he is not planning to accompany me to Tripoli this weekend. He said that he will be needed here for some “planning” meetings with the military. I don’t remember anything being mentioned about scheduled military planning meetings… In fact, when I asked what they were discussing, he stammered and seemed to blanche.   Hey ho.  I bet he is just planning a nice surprise for me after I return from my week away!!!


June 25 – An Evening with Elvis

I decided to take a break from raping and pillaging to settle down for an evening with Elvis’ “Aloha From Hawaii”, when that dolt Matonga rang.  Apparently, the Queen had called to say that she was stripping me of my honourary knighthood.  My palms started sweating… my pulse raced up to 24 beats per minute… Panic.  Confusion.  Fear….  Would I have to give my favourite, green ceremonial sash back???  Damn, I look good in that thing.

Later…Revulsion…and Anger.  How dare she??? HOW DARE SHE????  That unelected dictator!!  That twisted old prune, perched atop a throne like a boil sitting on a beautiful breast!!  Doesn’t she realise?  She’s in her EIGHTIES!!!  Duh, Brenda.  Oh, Breeeenda!!!  Time to give up the ghost, luv.  Time for a change at the top.

June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

Had a visit from my Little House (Mbeki)’s friends from the ANC.  It’s his birthday today, and my present to him was the guarantee of my smiling presence in office, after the 27th June.  Apparently, some of his team weren’t so sure though.  Here’s an extract from my conversation with one of the pathetic lackeys:


ANC Delegate:  So about this election then…


Me:   Sorry.  We’re closing for lunch. Continue reading June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

June 18 – Bad Bob’s Used Cars

Have decided to raise a little extra wonga by selling some of my excess motors (after all, elections just don’t steal themselves now, do they?)  Some of the great deals on offer will include one “slightly-burnt red/black campaign bus”, one “like-new armoured Merceded saloon car (with minor bullet damage)” and a selection of fine 2-stroke mopeds (instructions in Chinese).


Bad Bob’s Crazy Car deals is sure to be a hit among the discerning Harare elite… and of course if it isn’t, they get hit in a different way… heh heh. 


I’m struggling with a snappy slogan, though.  Toying around with the following:


Bad Bob’s Cars… Vans… Elections…whatever, It’s A Steal!

100% Empowerment (3,000,000% APR)

Buy now, pay later… again, and again, and again…

Bad Bob, where we apply the “Biti Principle”: No formal charges necessary!

June 15 – 100% Zimbabwe

Re-branding of the People’s Democratic Republic of Zimbabwe continues apace… Some imperialist lap-dog suggested that my slogan “100% Zimbabwe” wasn’t exactly ‘credible’.  Hogwash.  So what if Germans print our money, China makes our weapons and Brits do my PR????  This is exactly the kind of weak-kneed talk that saw poor old General Galtieri forced out by the whore of Grantham (Margaret Thatcher) 26 years ago…


Still, I relented and agreed to rebadge all the goods I’ve been picking up from China, Israel and North Korea “Made In Harare”…  A neat little trick I picked up from Wal-Mart (purveyor of quality discounted goods to the discerning evil invader).

Reminds me, must call Sir Martin Sorrell to say ‘thanks’ for all the help with our advertising and messaging.

Later:  I’ve decided to arrest Morgan again, just for yups.  Heh heh.  I told them all we wouldn’t capture him again and then… we did!  Brilliant!!!  My strategy is so refined, even I don’t know what I’m going to do next…


My New Song – The MDC Hokey Pokey

We put your right-hand (man) in…

We pull your right-hand (man) out…

In… Out… In… Out, we shake him all about

You do in Tendai Biti and you bury him in the ground

And that’s what it’s all about…  Hey!