August 18 – These Wretched Negotiations

I have been caught up in these wretched negotiations, haven’t had time to write a word in my diary. So much had happened and then again nothing has happened. We still don’t have deal. Almost fooled that moron Tsvangirai to sign a deal that was tantamount to his death warrant (I hate it when one of my cunning plans doesn’t come together!).  Thabo is still trying to bully them into signing the deal. Especially now that he is the chairman of SADC he thinks he can railroad them into it. I do have to admit that I am not so sure, Tsvangirai can be stubborn. I was able to trick the idiot into signing a document placing blame on both our parties for the election violence! Tell me that old Bobby-boy doesn’t still have it!!!!

Did make sure that I got to see my good friend Beny Stienmetz while I’m in Johannesburg. He and his people at Ascot diamonds have been so accommodating. I dropped off a load of uncut stones and he gave me a trunk of cash for the last lot I had sent to him. He was also kind enough to give a few of the cut diamonds that they had for me to give to the misses. That should keep the blond bombshell happy for 10 minutes! Well, I need to get back to work; we are going to have one last go down here to see if we can intimidate Tsvangirai into signing the deal.

June 29 – I am the Comeback Kid

I can’t believe it!!!  I won!!!!  I am, truly, the comeback kid.  To think that, less that three months ago, I didn’t win a single constituency in Harare .  On Friday, I got a clean sweep!!  My share of the vote was an astonishing 85% (now that was astonishing; I’d ordered the ZEC to give it as 120%.  The pusillanimous little turds.  I feel a little re-education coming on….)  But what could’ve changed so many minds in such a short space of time?  I find myself mystified, yet gratified.  Truly, my people must love me. 

I must send that little dog Thabo a thank you gift.  I can always count on him.  I must remind him he promised me a box for the 2010 world cup.

 I had a first draft for my inauguration address, but once I ran it by Emerson, he thought I needed to make some changes. I really didn?t think there was anything wrong, but… For example he suggested that I refer to the assembled guest as; Your Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen, rather than; Yo, beyaches and Ho?s. Another suggestion was that I refer to the electorate as ?stake holders? (I need to stop sending him to Imperialist NGO workshops!) rather than loathsome maggots! He also thought I went a bit far when I described fellow members of the AU as spittle dribbling bootlickers and my opponents as pond scum.

I hope Grace keeps her head covered.  That blonde look is really starting to get to me.  Although I notice those glances Gideon sends her way.

June 26 – Almost there

Sooooo much to do before tomorrow’s victory slaughter… Militia to be paid… voters to be displaced and intimidated… results to be forged and posted…. ZEC officials to bribe… Sheesh, election day in Zimbabwe is murder.

Am screening telephone calls from Little House Thabo.  Don’t want to talk about the SADC (a.k.a. the “SAD Club”, heh heh heh) today.  If I wanted to “negotiate” about anything, I would have called a used car salesman.

It’s time I took a holiday.  Tripoli is always nice this time of year.  The shopping’s good for Grace too, less so for me.  There’s just not so much on offer these days, since Gadafi gave up all his weapons to the laughable, god-bothering carbon blobs, Bush and Blair.  The last time we went up there, all I got was a pen-knife.

Still, it’ll be a pleasant break after the pent-up angst of election day.  Will I be elected again, by aclamation?   The tension’s killing me.

June 19 – Saving me from Grace

The cleaners finally got out of here late this afternoon. I hate having them around, but the place was a bit of a tip after Thabo’s (aka ‘Little House’) birthday party yesterday.  He is an annoying little shit, but he is MY little shit!!!  Besides he is the only one that seems to save me from dining alone with Grace.  Goddamn that youthful trollop, with her imperialist hair, youthful, 44-year-old, ever-open legs and clothes that always smell of other men… urgh.  If I was thirty years younger…

 

Still, good news.  The MDC morons still think we want to negotiate.  Hahahahaha good old Thabo!

June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

Had a visit from my Little House (Mbeki)’s friends from the ANC.  It’s his birthday today, and my present to him was the guarantee of my smiling presence in office, after the 27th June.  Apparently, some of his team weren’t so sure though.  Here’s an extract from my conversation with one of the pathetic lackeys:

 

ANC Delegate:  So about this election then…

 

Me:   Sorry.  We’re closing for lunch. Continue reading

June 12 – The SADC Dance

Dear Diary,

 

Today, I’m depressed.  My secretary just reminded me the SADC observers are deploying.  They are such an annoyance.  I always dread this day.  This doesn’t mean I have to stop.  I just have to slow down a little bit on the murder and mayhem.  But, at least I got Biti before they came. 

 

I did tell my boys at the JOC to be a little careful.  But, I’ve always got my little house Mbeki.  He and I know how to do this dance.

 

June 12 – Royal Exposure

That nice man Charles Davy called again this morning… such a fine Zimbabwean patriot, it’s a shame he couldn’t be a little… well… more African-looking.  But, as I always try to say to that Tsvangirai traitor, ‘you can’t always get what you want’… hahahahaha, I’ve still got it.

Right, must keep it short.  My Small House (Mbeki) is popping over the border for a light supper.