Aug. 26 – Love More, Love Less

So, the parliament has convened and elected someone called “Lovemore” as speaker.  WTF?!?  Has the MDC resorted to recruiting porn stars to their parliamentary ranks, such is the depth of their unpopularity?  This development makes an utter sham of Zimbabwe’s thriving democratic culture.  If only this Brit-brown-nosing clown knew about the shark-tank I’d had installed under the Speaker’s Chair, there would have been less of his piffle about “a new era in Zimbabwe”, and a little more of the wild-eyed, tub-thumping xenophobia that we all know and love.  I would have been there to put a stop to it permanently, but was undergoing a full skeletal replacement procedure at the time.  Good thing to do, actually.  McCain’s people recommended it.  And to think, Grace said I’d never be able to tie my own shoe-laces again!


The ‘National Unity’ talks continue at a snail’s pace.  Tsvangirai had some difficulty spelling his own name when we signed a recent Memorandum of Understanding, so Thabo and I used finger-puppets to demonstrate how the break-down of executive powers would work between the legislature and executive branches.  Sheesh.  I just wish the idiot could put down his crayons for a few seconds while we agree how he should be most effectively bought off and side-lined.  Still, it’s not all bad news.  Inflation just hit 11 million%, which is a new record and I think we can all agree there could be no more concrete endorsement of my economic legacy than that.

July 4 – Can I attack an embassy?

I have been getting reports all day that more and more supports from MDC are cowering at the imperialist Uncle Sam Embassy and the South African embassy. I was just about to send the Green Bombers over to sort them out when Emerson rang. He claims that dragging these swine out of the embassies is counter to some stupid international law and it would cause an international incident. There is just something wrong in the world when an evil maniacal dictator can’t beat his people when and where he wants!!!

Emerson has become such a toe rag since he began to think that he is going to be my successor. Maybe I should invite Joyce and Salomon over for dinner just to yank his chain!! Ha ha ha!

I also had a briefing that Botswana is massing forces on the border. What in god’s name is Khama thinking, doesn’t he know who he is dealing with??!!! Mad Bob the scourge of Southern Africa!

July 4 – My brown trousers

Reports began coming in yesterday that Botswana is building up its forces along our border. In an effort to be prepared, I called several ‘high level’ meetings to prepare us from a potential attack by these lackeys to the imperialists!

I have meetings scheduled with the JOC, on strategic planning, tactics and operations as well as logistics. However, before all that I needed to figure out what does wartime president/dictator wear for such an event?  My first meeting this morning was with my tailor, my valet and of course my style guru Grace. We had a long discussion about the history of uniforms; I learned a lot of interesting things! Did you know for example that the purpose of the scum sucking British wearing red coats back in the days of yore was that if they were shot, their enemy couldn’t see the blood on their tunic?

This sparked off several hours of heated debate. It was strange; after all the name calling, the only thing that my advisors were in agreement on is that I should wear brown trousers???


June 26 – Almost there

Sooooo much to do before tomorrow’s victory slaughter… Militia to be paid… voters to be displaced and intimidated… results to be forged and posted…. ZEC officials to bribe… Sheesh, election day in Zimbabwe is murder.

Am screening telephone calls from Little House Thabo.  Don’t want to talk about the SADC (a.k.a. the “SAD Club”, heh heh heh) today.  If I wanted to “negotiate” about anything, I would have called a used car salesman.

It’s time I took a holiday.  Tripoli is always nice this time of year.  The shopping’s good for Grace too, less so for me.  There’s just not so much on offer these days, since Gadafi gave up all his weapons to the laughable, god-bothering carbon blobs, Bush and Blair.  The last time we went up there, all I got was a pen-knife.

Still, it’ll be a pleasant break after the pent-up angst of election day.  Will I be elected again, by aclamation?   The tension’s killing me.

June 24 – I hope they lose the World Cup

Had a bizarre dream last night! I had just had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, I had a near death experience.

Seeing God, I asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 13 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, I decided, what the hell, I’ll beat the crap out of my opponents, starve my people and threaten war against my people. I even decided to arrest the opposition leaders and try them for treason. Since I had so much more time to live, I figured I might as well make the most of it.
After I stole the election and was inaugurated I was riding back to a visit Katuma with the missus.  While crossing a busy intersection we were hit and crushed by one of my new Mercedes anti-riot vehicles.
Arriving in front of God, I demanded, “I thought you said I had another 13 years? Why didn’t you divert me from the path of my new Mercedes anti-riot vehicles?”

God replied, “You hadn’t asked me to remove you from power yet!”

PS: Was just handed the ANC press release. Those half-baked Blair-Bush boot-lickers!!  I was fighting the limey imperialist B’staads while most of them were still an annoyance in their father’s nether regions. I hope they do lose the sodding 2010 World Cup!!!!


June 20 – What is going on with Grace and Gideon?

I do wish that Grace wouldn’t dye her hair blonde.  She knows how much I hate it.  It reminds me of one of those British bimbos I so despise.  How can I rail against the imperialist flunkies when my wife looks like an imperialist floosie?


I said this to Gideon the other day and he said he found her hair quite fetching.  What is going on with those two?  I hope that Grace is not shopping around again.


I saw a nice young soldier during a parade today. I do like a man in uniform!!! I don’t know why am stressing about Grace.  There are other ways to be liberated.

June 19 – Saving me from Grace

The cleaners finally got out of here late this afternoon. I hate having them around, but the place was a bit of a tip after Thabo’s (aka ‘Little House’) birthday party yesterday.  He is an annoying little shit, but he is MY little shit!!!  Besides he is the only one that seems to save me from dining alone with Grace.  Goddamn that youthful trollop, with her imperialist hair, youthful, 44-year-old, ever-open legs and clothes that always smell of other men… urgh.  If I was thirty years younger…


Still, good news.  The MDC morons still think we want to negotiate.  Hahahahaha good old Thabo!

June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

Had a visit from my Little House (Mbeki)’s friends from the ANC.  It’s his birthday today, and my present to him was the guarantee of my smiling presence in office, after the 27th June.  Apparently, some of his team weren’t so sure though.  Here’s an extract from my conversation with one of the pathetic lackeys:


ANC Delegate:  So about this election then…


Me:   Sorry.  We’re closing for lunch. Continue reading June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

June 17 – Happy Endings

Do people not understand that the life of the modern-day dictator is not just fun and games?  Especially when one is trying to rig (sorry, reeducate) an election.  It is all work work work!!  In the old days we just called the heavies in from the jungle and let them do the lifting.  Today, you have to fabricate evidence, forge documents and employ a lacky to handle all the bothersome enquiries from the imperialist media, lapdog NGOs and banana-stealing US presidential candidates.  Don’t these bastards know I have better things to do with my time!!???


I have been so busy that I have had to cancel my scheduled trip to China to have a complete blood transfusion (my third .  I guess that is not all bad, I seemed to have been drawing enough blood from the MDC… Hahahahah, sorry, I crack myself up!  I will miss China though… ever since I have started these blood transfusions I find myself loving a bit of Sweet and Sour Pork.  I‘ll also miss the Chinese massage I get from my boy… especially the “Happy Endings”!

June 15 – 100% Zimbabwe

Re-branding of the People’s Democratic Republic of Zimbabwe continues apace… Some imperialist lap-dog suggested that my slogan “100% Zimbabwe” wasn’t exactly ‘credible’.  Hogwash.  So what if Germans print our money, China makes our weapons and Brits do my PR????  This is exactly the kind of weak-kneed talk that saw poor old General Galtieri forced out by the whore of Grantham (Margaret Thatcher) 26 years ago…


Still, I relented and agreed to rebadge all the goods I’ve been picking up from China, Israel and North Korea “Made In Harare”…  A neat little trick I picked up from Wal-Mart (purveyor of quality discounted goods to the discerning evil invader).

Reminds me, must call Sir Martin Sorrell to say ‘thanks’ for all the help with our advertising and messaging.

Later:  I’ve decided to arrest Morgan again, just for yups.  Heh heh.  I told them all we wouldn’t capture him again and then… we did!  Brilliant!!!  My strategy is so refined, even I don’t know what I’m going to do next…


My New Song – The MDC Hokey Pokey

We put your right-hand (man) in…

We pull your right-hand (man) out…

In… Out… In… Out, we shake him all about

You do in Tendai Biti and you bury him in the ground

And that’s what it’s all about…  Hey!