September 3 – Funeral Blues

Gah.  I have a pounding head after getting absolutely shit-faced last night.  I had to.  It was the only way I could force out my eulogy to that treacherous lackey Mwanawasa, mercifully buried for good today in Lusaka.  I actually called him a “courageous leader… who will be greatly missed”, through my gritted dentures.  Later, I knelt at his wife’s feet in what was mistakenly reported as a gesture of remorse and servitude.  In fact, one of my plastic knees had simply given way.  Fortunately, the hacks didn’t notice when I leaned over to spit on the bastard’s grave.  Heh heh.  Mwanawasa once referred to Zim under my leadership as a “sinking Titanic”, which is the height of insolance and ignorance.  Zimbabwe is nothing if not a Challenger space rocket, roaring towards a spectacular, shared destiny.  My leadership has been as dazzling as it has been universally popular – I have no doubt that my reign will be remembered throughout the land as The Champagne Years… now, where did I put the paracetamol?

 

Aug. 26 – Love More, Love Less

So, the parliament has convened and elected someone called “Lovemore” as speaker.  WTF?!?  Has the MDC resorted to recruiting porn stars to their parliamentary ranks, such is the depth of their unpopularity?  This development makes an utter sham of Zimbabwe’s thriving democratic culture.  If only this Brit-brown-nosing clown knew about the shark-tank I’d had installed under the Speaker’s Chair, there would have been less of his piffle about “a new era in Zimbabwe”, and a little more of the wild-eyed, tub-thumping xenophobia that we all know and love.  I would have been there to put a stop to it permanently, but was undergoing a full skeletal replacement procedure at the time.  Good thing to do, actually.  McCain’s people recommended it.  And to think, Grace said I’d never be able to tie my own shoe-laces again!

 

The ‘National Unity’ talks continue at a snail’s pace.  Tsvangirai had some difficulty spelling his own name when we signed a recent Memorandum of Understanding, so Thabo and I used finger-puppets to demonstrate how the break-down of executive powers would work between the legislature and executive branches.  Sheesh.  I just wish the idiot could put down his crayons for a few seconds while we agree how he should be most effectively bought off and side-lined.  Still, it’s not all bad news.  Inflation just hit 11 million%, which is a new record and I think we can all agree there could be no more concrete endorsement of my economic legacy than that.

August 18 – These Wretched Negotiations

I have been caught up in these wretched negotiations, haven’t had time to write a word in my diary. So much had happened and then again nothing has happened. We still don’t have deal. Almost fooled that moron Tsvangirai to sign a deal that was tantamount to his death warrant (I hate it when one of my cunning plans doesn’t come together!).  Thabo is still trying to bully them into signing the deal. Especially now that he is the chairman of SADC he thinks he can railroad them into it. I do have to admit that I am not so sure, Tsvangirai can be stubborn. I was able to trick the idiot into signing a document placing blame on both our parties for the election violence! Tell me that old Bobby-boy doesn’t still have it!!!!

Did make sure that I got to see my good friend Beny Stienmetz while I’m in Johannesburg. He and his people at Ascot diamonds have been so accommodating. I dropped off a load of uncut stones and he gave me a trunk of cash for the last lot I had sent to him. He was also kind enough to give a few of the cut diamonds that they had for me to give to the misses. That should keep the blond bombshell happy for 10 minutes! Well, I need to get back to work; we are going to have one last go down here to see if we can intimidate Tsvangirai into signing the deal.

July 25 – Zim to offer asylum to Karadzic

I have been very disturbed by the photos that have been splashed around the world of my good friend Radovan Karadzic.  Another great Socialist and Democrat, thrown to the wolves in a fit of self-righteousness by the pinko turds who run the EU.  ‘Genocide’ my ass.  Those mass graves could’ve been dug by anybody!  I have made the necessary calls and offered a fellow revolutionary hero asylum here in “Trillionaire’s Row” in Harare.  It will be just like old times…

 

Ahhh, back in the day, Rado, Slobo (Slobodan Milosevic, another Dear Leader of the People) and I use to just like hanging out together, sipping coffee, lynching the occasional Muslim and eating that delicious Serbian dish burek (couldn’t be sure, but I think it’s made of a delicate mixture of human brains, drizzled with a fine nougat of baby’s limbs).  We use to call ourselves ‘The Three Comrades’.  We talked about when we all got things settled down in our countries, we would take our holidays together.  We talked about going to Paris, Rome and Berlin… funny we never mentioned the Hague.  None of us seem to have any inclination to venture that way any time soon…

July 20 – Cha-Ching

Had a real giggle going through the Sunday newspapers! They all were speculating about a future Government of National Unity without me. If these mental midgets think I have gone through all this trouble of terrorising the good people of Zimbabwe, rigging an election and then going into debt to both the Russian and the Chinese all on the same damn day at the UN, they are severely delusional!! They think doubling down at the Security Council comes cheaply?

 

This is why I have tasked that little troll Magwana with organising the take over of all the firms still owned by the imperialist pigs. I instructed him to do it with the equal speed to the land reform programme, I need to cash in as soon as possible. Cha-Ching!!!

 

July 4 – Can I attack an embassy?

I have been getting reports all day that more and more supports from MDC are cowering at the imperialist Uncle Sam Embassy and the South African embassy. I was just about to send the Green Bombers over to sort them out when Emerson rang. He claims that dragging these swine out of the embassies is counter to some stupid international law and it would cause an international incident. There is just something wrong in the world when an evil maniacal dictator can’t beat his people when and where he wants!!!

Emerson has become such a toe rag since he began to think that he is going to be my successor. Maybe I should invite Joyce and Salomon over for dinner just to yank his chain!! Ha ha ha!

I also had a briefing that Botswana is massing forces on the border. What in god’s name is Khama thinking, doesn’t he know who he is dealing with??!!! Mad Bob the scourge of Southern Africa!

July 4 – My brown trousers

Reports began coming in yesterday that Botswana is building up its forces along our border. In an effort to be prepared, I called several ‘high level’ meetings to prepare us from a potential attack by these lackeys to the imperialists!

I have meetings scheduled with the JOC, on strategic planning, tactics and operations as well as logistics. However, before all that I needed to figure out what does wartime president/dictator wear for such an event?  My first meeting this morning was with my tailor, my valet and of course my style guru Grace. We had a long discussion about the history of uniforms; I learned a lot of interesting things! Did you know for example that the purpose of the scum sucking British wearing red coats back in the days of yore was that if they were shot, their enemy couldn’t see the blood on their tunic?

This sparked off several hours of heated debate. It was strange; after all the name calling, the only thing that my advisors were in agreement on is that I should wear brown trousers???

 

June 29 – I am the Comeback Kid

I can’t believe it!!!  I won!!!!  I am, truly, the comeback kid.  To think that, less that three months ago, I didn’t win a single constituency in Harare .  On Friday, I got a clean sweep!!  My share of the vote was an astonishing 85% (now that was astonishing; I’d ordered the ZEC to give it as 120%.  The pusillanimous little turds.  I feel a little re-education coming on….)  But what could’ve changed so many minds in such a short space of time?  I find myself mystified, yet gratified.  Truly, my people must love me. 

I must send that little dog Thabo a thank you gift.  I can always count on him.  I must remind him he promised me a box for the 2010 world cup.

 I had a first draft for my inauguration address, but once I ran it by Emerson, he thought I needed to make some changes. I really didn?t think there was anything wrong, but… For example he suggested that I refer to the assembled guest as; Your Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen, rather than; Yo, beyaches and Ho?s. Another suggestion was that I refer to the electorate as ?stake holders? (I need to stop sending him to Imperialist NGO workshops!) rather than loathsome maggots! He also thought I went a bit far when I described fellow members of the AU as spittle dribbling bootlickers and my opponents as pond scum.

I hope Grace keeps her head covered.  That blonde look is really starting to get to me.  Although I notice those glances Gideon sends her way.

June 27 – I need a vacation

AAaaahh, another election day!  In some ways they have become rather tiresome. My well-rehearsed look of surprise is made slightly harder by all the botox injections.  Preparing for the usual photo-call is made harder by my constantly losing consciousness, and only being able to stand unaided for four minutes at a time.  Most of all though, it’s the ungrateful bastards who I have to have clubbed into the polling booths. Come tomorrow they are going to expect me to feed, clothe, house and, I wouldn’t be surprised, even educate them. Talk about the great unwashed!  It’ll be sooo nice to get to a cultural metropolis like Tripoli…. No more election, no more bitching, and end to the constant yammering that they don’t have enough food!

Emerson just popped his head in.  Strangely he told me that he is not planning to accompany me to Tripoli this weekend. He said that he will be needed here for some “planning” meetings with the military. I don’t remember anything being mentioned about scheduled military planning meetings… In fact, when I asked what they were discussing, he stammered and seemed to blanche.   Hey ho.  I bet he is just planning a nice surprise for me after I return from my week away!!!

 

June 26 – Almost there

Sooooo much to do before tomorrow’s victory slaughter… Militia to be paid… voters to be displaced and intimidated… results to be forged and posted…. ZEC officials to bribe… Sheesh, election day in Zimbabwe is murder.

Am screening telephone calls from Little House Thabo.  Don’t want to talk about the SADC (a.k.a. the “SAD Club”, heh heh heh) today.  If I wanted to “negotiate” about anything, I would have called a used car salesman.

It’s time I took a holiday.  Tripoli is always nice this time of year.  The shopping’s good for Grace too, less so for me.  There’s just not so much on offer these days, since Gadafi gave up all his weapons to the laughable, god-bothering carbon blobs, Bush and Blair.  The last time we went up there, all I got was a pen-knife.

Still, it’ll be a pleasant break after the pent-up angst of election day.  Will I be elected again, by aclamation?   The tension’s killing me.