September 3 – Funeral Blues

Gah.  I have a pounding head after getting absolutely shit-faced last night.  I had to.  It was the only way I could force out my eulogy to that treacherous lackey Mwanawasa, mercifully buried for good today in Lusaka.  I actually called him a “courageous leader… who will be greatly missed”, through my gritted dentures.  Later, I knelt at his wife’s feet in what was mistakenly reported as a gesture of remorse and servitude.  In fact, one of my plastic knees had simply given way.  Fortunately, the hacks didn’t notice when I leaned over to spit on the bastard’s grave.  Heh heh.  Mwanawasa once referred to Zim under my leadership as a “sinking Titanic”, which is the height of insolance and ignorance.  Zimbabwe is nothing if not a Challenger space rocket, roaring towards a spectacular, shared destiny.  My leadership has been as dazzling as it has been universally popular – I have no doubt that my reign will be remembered throughout the land as The Champagne Years… now, where did I put the paracetamol?