August 18 – These Wretched Negotiations

I have been caught up in these wretched negotiations, haven’t had time to write a word in my diary. So much had happened and then again nothing has happened. We still don’t have deal. Almost fooled that moron Tsvangirai to sign a deal that was tantamount to his death warrant (I hate it when one of my cunning plans doesn’t come together!).  Thabo is still trying to bully them into signing the deal. Especially now that he is the chairman of SADC he thinks he can railroad them into it. I do have to admit that I am not so sure, Tsvangirai can be stubborn. I was able to trick the idiot into signing a document placing blame on both our parties for the election violence! Tell me that old Bobby-boy doesn’t still have it!!!!

Did make sure that I got to see my good friend Beny Stienmetz while I’m in Johannesburg. He and his people at Ascot diamonds have been so accommodating. I dropped off a load of uncut stones and he gave me a trunk of cash for the last lot I had sent to him. He was also kind enough to give a few of the cut diamonds that they had for me to give to the misses. That should keep the blond bombshell happy for 10 minutes! Well, I need to get back to work; we are going to have one last go down here to see if we can intimidate Tsvangirai into signing the deal.

June 27 – I need a vacation

AAaaahh, another election day!  In some ways they have become rather tiresome. My well-rehearsed look of surprise is made slightly harder by all the botox injections.  Preparing for the usual photo-call is made harder by my constantly losing consciousness, and only being able to stand unaided for four minutes at a time.  Most of all though, it’s the ungrateful bastards who I have to have clubbed into the polling booths. Come tomorrow they are going to expect me to feed, clothe, house and, I wouldn’t be surprised, even educate them. Talk about the great unwashed!  It’ll be sooo nice to get to a cultural metropolis like Tripoli…. No more election, no more bitching, and end to the constant yammering that they don’t have enough food!

Emerson just popped his head in.  Strangely he told me that he is not planning to accompany me to Tripoli this weekend. He said that he will be needed here for some “planning” meetings with the military. I don’t remember anything being mentioned about scheduled military planning meetings… In fact, when I asked what they were discussing, he stammered and seemed to blanche.   Hey ho.  I bet he is just planning a nice surprise for me after I return from my week away!!!

 

June 26 – Almost there

Sooooo much to do before tomorrow’s victory slaughter… Militia to be paid… voters to be displaced and intimidated… results to be forged and posted…. ZEC officials to bribe… Sheesh, election day in Zimbabwe is murder.

Am screening telephone calls from Little House Thabo.  Don’t want to talk about the SADC (a.k.a. the “SAD Club”, heh heh heh) today.  If I wanted to “negotiate” about anything, I would have called a used car salesman.

It’s time I took a holiday.  Tripoli is always nice this time of year.  The shopping’s good for Grace too, less so for me.  There’s just not so much on offer these days, since Gadafi gave up all his weapons to the laughable, god-bothering carbon blobs, Bush and Blair.  The last time we went up there, all I got was a pen-knife.

Still, it’ll be a pleasant break after the pent-up angst of election day.  Will I be elected again, by aclamation?   The tension’s killing me.

June 12 – The SADC Dance

Dear Diary,

 

Today, I’m depressed.  My secretary just reminded me the SADC observers are deploying.  They are such an annoyance.  I always dread this day.  This doesn’t mean I have to stop.  I just have to slow down a little bit on the murder and mayhem.  But, at least I got Biti before they came. 

 

I did tell my boys at the JOC to be a little careful.  But, I’ve always got my little house Mbeki.  He and I know how to do this dance.