Aug. 26 – Love More, Love Less

So, the parliament has convened and elected someone called “Lovemore” as speaker.  WTF?!?  Has the MDC resorted to recruiting porn stars to their parliamentary ranks, such is the depth of their unpopularity?  This development makes an utter sham of Zimbabwe’s thriving democratic culture.  If only this Brit-brown-nosing clown knew about the shark-tank I’d had installed under the Speaker’s Chair, there would have been less of his piffle about “a new era in Zimbabwe”, and a little more of the wild-eyed, tub-thumping xenophobia that we all know and love.  I would have been there to put a stop to it permanently, but was undergoing a full skeletal replacement procedure at the time.  Good thing to do, actually.  McCain’s people recommended it.  And to think, Grace said I’d never be able to tie my own shoe-laces again!

 

The ‘National Unity’ talks continue at a snail’s pace.  Tsvangirai had some difficulty spelling his own name when we signed a recent Memorandum of Understanding, so Thabo and I used finger-puppets to demonstrate how the break-down of executive powers would work between the legislature and executive branches.  Sheesh.  I just wish the idiot could put down his crayons for a few seconds while we agree how he should be most effectively bought off and side-lined.  Still, it’s not all bad news.  Inflation just hit 11 million%, which is a new record and I think we can all agree there could be no more concrete endorsement of my economic legacy than that.

July 20 – Cha-Ching

Had a real giggle going through the Sunday newspapers! They all were speculating about a future Government of National Unity without me. If these mental midgets think I have gone through all this trouble of terrorising the good people of Zimbabwe, rigging an election and then going into debt to both the Russian and the Chinese all on the same damn day at the UN, they are severely delusional!! They think doubling down at the Security Council comes cheaply?

 

This is why I have tasked that little troll Magwana with organising the take over of all the firms still owned by the imperialist pigs. I instructed him to do it with the equal speed to the land reform programme, I need to cash in as soon as possible. Cha-Ching!!!

 

June 29 – I am the Comeback Kid

I can’t believe it!!!  I won!!!!  I am, truly, the comeback kid.  To think that, less that three months ago, I didn’t win a single constituency in Harare .  On Friday, I got a clean sweep!!  My share of the vote was an astonishing 85% (now that was astonishing; I’d ordered the ZEC to give it as 120%.  The pusillanimous little turds.  I feel a little re-education coming on….)  But what could’ve changed so many minds in such a short space of time?  I find myself mystified, yet gratified.  Truly, my people must love me. 

I must send that little dog Thabo a thank you gift.  I can always count on him.  I must remind him he promised me a box for the 2010 world cup.

 I had a first draft for my inauguration address, but once I ran it by Emerson, he thought I needed to make some changes. I really didn?t think there was anything wrong, but… For example he suggested that I refer to the assembled guest as; Your Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen, rather than; Yo, beyaches and Ho?s. Another suggestion was that I refer to the electorate as ?stake holders? (I need to stop sending him to Imperialist NGO workshops!) rather than loathsome maggots! He also thought I went a bit far when I described fellow members of the AU as spittle dribbling bootlickers and my opponents as pond scum.

I hope Grace keeps her head covered.  That blonde look is really starting to get to me.  Although I notice those glances Gideon sends her way.

June 26 – Almost there

Sooooo much to do before tomorrow’s victory slaughter… Militia to be paid… voters to be displaced and intimidated… results to be forged and posted…. ZEC officials to bribe… Sheesh, election day in Zimbabwe is murder.

Am screening telephone calls from Little House Thabo.  Don’t want to talk about the SADC (a.k.a. the “SAD Club”, heh heh heh) today.  If I wanted to “negotiate” about anything, I would have called a used car salesman.

It’s time I took a holiday.  Tripoli is always nice this time of year.  The shopping’s good for Grace too, less so for me.  There’s just not so much on offer these days, since Gadafi gave up all his weapons to the laughable, god-bothering carbon blobs, Bush and Blair.  The last time we went up there, all I got was a pen-knife.

Still, it’ll be a pleasant break after the pent-up angst of election day.  Will I be elected again, by aclamation?   The tension’s killing me.

June 24 – I hope they lose the World Cup

Had a bizarre dream last night! I had just had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, I had a near death experience.

Seeing God, I asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 13 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, I decided, what the hell, I’ll beat the crap out of my opponents, starve my people and threaten war against my people. I even decided to arrest the opposition leaders and try them for treason. Since I had so much more time to live, I figured I might as well make the most of it.
 
After I stole the election and was inaugurated I was riding back to a visit Katuma with the missus.  While crossing a busy intersection we were hit and crushed by one of my new Mercedes anti-riot vehicles.
 
Arriving in front of God, I demanded, “I thought you said I had another 13 years? Why didn’t you divert me from the path of my new Mercedes anti-riot vehicles?”

God replied, “You hadn’t asked me to remove you from power yet!”

PS: Was just handed the ANC press release. Those half-baked Blair-Bush boot-lickers!!  I was fighting the limey imperialist B’staads while most of them were still an annoyance in their father’s nether regions. I hope they do lose the sodding 2010 World Cup!!!!

 

June 23 – I am King

Busy, busy, busy day!  Need to start planning the coronation, err…, I mean inauguration.  In fact, bugger it.  Call it a coronation.  Think it’s about time Zimbabwe had a new King.  One that says “don’t step on my blue suede Jimmy Choos.”  Heh heh.

 

Esch.  Grace just popped her head in, saying she needed to go buy a new dress for the party.  I told her no, she just bought several dresses in Rome. What does that woman think, I just print the damned money?? 

 

Later…  So Tsvangirai’s hiding out with the bloody Dutch!!!  Goddamit, just when I thought I had that scab inside my vice-like (trembling) grip, they step in and give the rat-bastard, milque toast turd-burgular asylum.  Another day… another fire to put out.  And some people think I knew there was a reason I never like Gouda. 

 

June 19 – My Little House Comes to Town

Had a visit from my Little House (Mbeki)’s friends from the ANC.  It’s his birthday today, and my present to him was the guarantee of my smiling presence in office, after the 27th June.  Apparently, some of his team weren’t so sure though.  Here’s an extract from my conversation with one of the pathetic lackeys:

 

ANC Delegate:  So about this election then…

 

Me:   Sorry.  We’re closing for lunch. Continue reading