Aug. 26 – Love More, Love Less

So, the parliament has convened and elected someone called “Lovemore” as speaker.  WTF?!?  Has the MDC resorted to recruiting porn stars to their parliamentary ranks, such is the depth of their unpopularity?  This development makes an utter sham of Zimbabwe’s thriving democratic culture.  If only this Brit-brown-nosing clown knew about the shark-tank I’d had installed under the Speaker’s Chair, there would have been less of his piffle about “a new era in Zimbabwe”, and a little more of the wild-eyed, tub-thumping xenophobia that we all know and love.  I would have been there to put a stop to it permanently, but was undergoing a full skeletal replacement procedure at the time.  Good thing to do, actually.  McCain’s people recommended it.  And to think, Grace said I’d never be able to tie my own shoe-laces again!

 

The ‘National Unity’ talks continue at a snail’s pace.  Tsvangirai had some difficulty spelling his own name when we signed a recent Memorandum of Understanding, so Thabo and I used finger-puppets to demonstrate how the break-down of executive powers would work between the legislature and executive branches.  Sheesh.  I just wish the idiot could put down his crayons for a few seconds while we agree how he should be most effectively bought off and side-lined.  Still, it’s not all bad news.  Inflation just hit 11 million%, which is a new record and I think we can all agree there could be no more concrete endorsement of my economic legacy than that.

August 18 – These Wretched Negotiations

I have been caught up in these wretched negotiations, haven’t had time to write a word in my diary. So much had happened and then again nothing has happened. We still don’t have deal. Almost fooled that moron Tsvangirai to sign a deal that was tantamount to his death warrant (I hate it when one of my cunning plans doesn’t come together!).  Thabo is still trying to bully them into signing the deal. Especially now that he is the chairman of SADC he thinks he can railroad them into it. I do have to admit that I am not so sure, Tsvangirai can be stubborn. I was able to trick the idiot into signing a document placing blame on both our parties for the election violence! Tell me that old Bobby-boy doesn’t still have it!!!!

Did make sure that I got to see my good friend Beny Stienmetz while I’m in Johannesburg. He and his people at Ascot diamonds have been so accommodating. I dropped off a load of uncut stones and he gave me a trunk of cash for the last lot I had sent to him. He was also kind enough to give a few of the cut diamonds that they had for me to give to the misses. That should keep the blond bombshell happy for 10 minutes! Well, I need to get back to work; we are going to have one last go down here to see if we can intimidate Tsvangirai into signing the deal.

July 4 – My brown trousers

Reports began coming in yesterday that Botswana is building up its forces along our border. In an effort to be prepared, I called several ‘high level’ meetings to prepare us from a potential attack by these lackeys to the imperialists!

I have meetings scheduled with the JOC, on strategic planning, tactics and operations as well as logistics. However, before all that I needed to figure out what does wartime president/dictator wear for such an event?  My first meeting this morning was with my tailor, my valet and of course my style guru Grace. We had a long discussion about the history of uniforms; I learned a lot of interesting things! Did you know for example that the purpose of the scum sucking British wearing red coats back in the days of yore was that if they were shot, their enemy couldn’t see the blood on their tunic?

This sparked off several hours of heated debate. It was strange; after all the name calling, the only thing that my advisors were in agreement on is that I should wear brown trousers???

 

June 29 – I am the Comeback Kid

I can’t believe it!!!  I won!!!!  I am, truly, the comeback kid.  To think that, less that three months ago, I didn’t win a single constituency in Harare .  On Friday, I got a clean sweep!!  My share of the vote was an astonishing 85% (now that was astonishing; I’d ordered the ZEC to give it as 120%.  The pusillanimous little turds.  I feel a little re-education coming on….)  But what could’ve changed so many minds in such a short space of time?  I find myself mystified, yet gratified.  Truly, my people must love me. 

I must send that little dog Thabo a thank you gift.  I can always count on him.  I must remind him he promised me a box for the 2010 world cup.

 I had a first draft for my inauguration address, but once I ran it by Emerson, he thought I needed to make some changes. I really didn?t think there was anything wrong, but… For example he suggested that I refer to the assembled guest as; Your Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen, rather than; Yo, beyaches and Ho?s. Another suggestion was that I refer to the electorate as ?stake holders? (I need to stop sending him to Imperialist NGO workshops!) rather than loathsome maggots! He also thought I went a bit far when I described fellow members of the AU as spittle dribbling bootlickers and my opponents as pond scum.

I hope Grace keeps her head covered.  That blonde look is really starting to get to me.  Although I notice those glances Gideon sends her way.

June 27 – I need a vacation

AAaaahh, another election day!  In some ways they have become rather tiresome. My well-rehearsed look of surprise is made slightly harder by all the botox injections.  Preparing for the usual photo-call is made harder by my constantly losing consciousness, and only being able to stand unaided for four minutes at a time.  Most of all though, it’s the ungrateful bastards who I have to have clubbed into the polling booths. Come tomorrow they are going to expect me to feed, clothe, house and, I wouldn’t be surprised, even educate them. Talk about the great unwashed!  It’ll be sooo nice to get to a cultural metropolis like Tripoli…. No more election, no more bitching, and end to the constant yammering that they don’t have enough food!

Emerson just popped his head in.  Strangely he told me that he is not planning to accompany me to Tripoli this weekend. He said that he will be needed here for some “planning” meetings with the military. I don’t remember anything being mentioned about scheduled military planning meetings… In fact, when I asked what they were discussing, he stammered and seemed to blanche.   Hey ho.  I bet he is just planning a nice surprise for me after I return from my week away!!!

 

June 26 – Almost there

Sooooo much to do before tomorrow’s victory slaughter… Militia to be paid… voters to be displaced and intimidated… results to be forged and posted…. ZEC officials to bribe… Sheesh, election day in Zimbabwe is murder.

Am screening telephone calls from Little House Thabo.  Don’t want to talk about the SADC (a.k.a. the “SAD Club”, heh heh heh) today.  If I wanted to “negotiate” about anything, I would have called a used car salesman.

It’s time I took a holiday.  Tripoli is always nice this time of year.  The shopping’s good for Grace too, less so for me.  There’s just not so much on offer these days, since Gadafi gave up all his weapons to the laughable, god-bothering carbon blobs, Bush and Blair.  The last time we went up there, all I got was a pen-knife.

Still, it’ll be a pleasant break after the pent-up angst of election day.  Will I be elected again, by aclamation?   The tension’s killing me.

June 24 – I hope they lose the World Cup

Had a bizarre dream last night! I had just had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, I had a near death experience.

Seeing God, I asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 13 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, I decided, what the hell, I’ll beat the crap out of my opponents, starve my people and threaten war against my people. I even decided to arrest the opposition leaders and try them for treason. Since I had so much more time to live, I figured I might as well make the most of it.
 
After I stole the election and was inaugurated I was riding back to a visit Katuma with the missus.  While crossing a busy intersection we were hit and crushed by one of my new Mercedes anti-riot vehicles.
 
Arriving in front of God, I demanded, “I thought you said I had another 13 years? Why didn’t you divert me from the path of my new Mercedes anti-riot vehicles?”

God replied, “You hadn’t asked me to remove you from power yet!”

PS: Was just handed the ANC press release. Those half-baked Blair-Bush boot-lickers!!  I was fighting the limey imperialist B’staads while most of them were still an annoyance in their father’s nether regions. I hope they do lose the sodding 2010 World Cup!!!!

 

June 23 – I am King

Busy, busy, busy day!  Need to start planning the coronation, err…, I mean inauguration.  In fact, bugger it.  Call it a coronation.  Think it’s about time Zimbabwe had a new King.  One that says “don’t step on my blue suede Jimmy Choos.”  Heh heh.

 

Esch.  Grace just popped her head in, saying she needed to go buy a new dress for the party.  I told her no, she just bought several dresses in Rome. What does that woman think, I just print the damned money?? 

 

Later…  So Tsvangirai’s hiding out with the bloody Dutch!!!  Goddamit, just when I thought I had that scab inside my vice-like (trembling) grip, they step in and give the rat-bastard, milque toast turd-burgular asylum.  Another day… another fire to put out.  And some people think I knew there was a reason I never like Gouda. 

 

What does God want?

That bog-trotting, Commie boot-polisher Tsvangirari is all over the airwaves calling on me to stand down.  He says I have no support.  Hogwash!!  Grace supports me.  Bright Matonga supports me.  I support me….

Wait.  Not so sure about Matonga.  Anyway, it’s time I got my 84 year-old lead out, to prove I can still swing it.  Here’s the address I intend to give tonight:

 

My fellow Zimbababweanees.

Today we find ourselves at a critical junction in our history.  Between the future and the past.

Some might say that the kind of leadership that has left our fields barren, our economy a joke and an inflation rate that looks more like a telephone number, has probably had its day.

That it’s the kind of leadership that should probably just shuffle off stage, with a rather apologetic shrug.

I say NO!!!!  (and not just because I’m going deaf)

I say what created our recent past can indeed obliterate our future.

And to those who say I can’t do this, I say… “yes I can!!”

To those who say I cannot stand unaided any more, I say…. “yes I can!!!”

To those who say I can’t continue to govern with the same, crap policies and no bedrock of public support, I say “YES I CAAAAAAAAAN!!!!”  [Thank you, Barack Obama.  Heh heh]

 

I say hang the bastards who point out what’s as obvious as the nose on your face.

Call them traitors!!!  Call them pathetic!!!  Call them liars!!!

Because if I sneer and shout loudly enough, then IT MUST BE TRUE.

Now THAT, my friends, is leadership.

Only God can remove me now.  (and if the tingling sensation I get down my left-hand side is anything to go by, He might be thinking about it)

Or Elvis.  If he got in touch, I might consider it too.

Thank ya very much (apologises to the King).  And God bless Zimbabwe.

 

Later…. Received text from Tutu.  Said God had called, wanted me out.

June 21 – Dreaming of Hong Kong

Up before dawn as usual (4.00am), ever since I started having the Jing-Jang blood transfusions I can’t sleep past 10.00am Hong Kong time. I guess one benefit is that I have a few hours of peace before I have to suffer the dulcet tones of the misses!

 

Bummer to hear the news about my good friend Sir Martin Sorrell, some say he is a spin-doctor, but he is my ‘sangoma’. Still hope he’ll be able to finish running my campaign, the Bell has not finished tolling there! Besides, us little guys with Napoleonic complexes need to stick together.