What does God want?

That bog-trotting, Commie boot-polisher Tsvangirari is all over the airwaves calling on me to stand down.  He says I have no support.  Hogwash!!  Grace supports me.  Bright Matonga supports me.  I support me….

Wait.  Not so sure about Matonga.  Anyway, it’s time I got my 84 year-old lead out, to prove I can still swing it.  Here’s the address I intend to give tonight:


My fellow Zimbababweanees.

Today we find ourselves at a critical junction in our history.  Between the future and the past.

Some might say that the kind of leadership that has left our fields barren, our economy a joke and an inflation rate that looks more like a telephone number, has probably had its day.

That it’s the kind of leadership that should probably just shuffle off stage, with a rather apologetic shrug.

I say NO!!!!  (and not just because I’m going deaf)

I say what created our recent past can indeed obliterate our future.

And to those who say I can’t do this, I say… “yes I can!!”

To those who say I cannot stand unaided any more, I say…. “yes I can!!!”

To those who say I can’t continue to govern with the same, crap policies and no bedrock of public support, I say “YES I CAAAAAAAAAN!!!!”  [Thank you, Barack Obama.  Heh heh]


I say hang the bastards who point out what’s as obvious as the nose on your face.

Call them traitors!!!  Call them pathetic!!!  Call them liars!!!

Because if I sneer and shout loudly enough, then IT MUST BE TRUE.

Now THAT, my friends, is leadership.

Only God can remove me now.  (and if the tingling sensation I get down my left-hand side is anything to go by, He might be thinking about it)

Or Elvis.  If he got in touch, I might consider it too.

Thank ya very much (apologises to the King).  And God bless Zimbabwe.


Later…. Received text from Tutu.  Said God had called, wanted me out.

June 11 – No Shopping? Two can play at that game.

Heard today that that collar wearing, limey loving, Muppet Tutu has called for me to resign. What does that man want, peace and tranquility to break out across the country??!! What would I keep all my Defense Forces busy with? You know what they say; ‘Idle hands are the devil’s workshop!’ And if he thinks I am going to allow the blue helmets of the UN to interfere in Zimbabwe’s election- I’m the only one allowed to do that.


2pm – Just spoke to the Honorable Wang (China UN ambassador), there is no chance of UN involvement. And it only cost me (well, my country) 30 tons of tobacco, but what is a little lung cancer to protect my people from UN troops!!!


5pm – Grace has demanded another shopping spree in Europe. Good thing that I asked our German friend, Dr. Karsten Ottenberg, the CEO of Giesecke & Devrient (G&D) to print a few billion extra this month! Why couldn’t I marry a woman that liked Chinese shoes, Wang could get them plenty cheap!


Had to break the bad news to Grace (that’ll cost me!), the trip to Europe is off, the damned British Conservatives have introduced legislation in the European Parliament to arrest me if I enter the EU! Don’t those bastard English know, I only do these trips to keep ‘she who must be obeyed’ happy? Wait til the next time they want to take their Missuses shopping in Harare, I’ll make sure there is nothing in the shops for them to buy, oops, I’ve already done that!