July 20 – Cha-Ching

Had a real giggle going through the Sunday newspapers! They all were speculating about a future Government of National Unity without me. If these mental midgets think I have gone through all this trouble of terrorising the good people of Zimbabwe, rigging an election and then going into debt to both the Russian and the Chinese all on the same damn day at the UN, they are severely delusional!! They think doubling down at the Security Council comes cheaply?


This is why I have tasked that little troll Magwana with organising the take over of all the firms still owned by the imperialist pigs. I instructed him to do it with the equal speed to the land reform programme, I need to cash in as soon as possible. Cha-Ching!!!


June 12 – The SADC Dance

Dear Diary,


Today, I’m depressed.  My secretary just reminded me the SADC observers are deploying.  They are such an annoyance.  I always dread this day.  This doesn’t mean I have to stop.  I just have to slow down a little bit on the murder and mayhem.  But, at least I got Biti before they came. 


I did tell my boys at the JOC to be a little careful.  But, I’ve always got my little house Mbeki.  He and I know how to do this dance.


June 11 – No Shopping? Two can play at that game.

Heard today that that collar wearing, limey loving, Muppet Tutu has called for me to resign. What does that man want, peace and tranquility to break out across the country??!! What would I keep all my Defense Forces busy with? You know what they say; ‘Idle hands are the devil’s workshop!’ And if he thinks I am going to allow the blue helmets of the UN to interfere in Zimbabwe’s election- I’m the only one allowed to do that.


2pm – Just spoke to the Honorable Wang (China UN ambassador), there is no chance of UN involvement. And it only cost me (well, my country) 30 tons of tobacco, but what is a little lung cancer to protect my people from UN troops!!!


5pm – Grace has demanded another shopping spree in Europe. Good thing that I asked our German friend, Dr. Karsten Ottenberg, the CEO of Giesecke & Devrient (G&D) to print a few billion extra this month! Why couldn’t I marry a woman that liked Chinese shoes, Wang could get them plenty cheap!


Had to break the bad news to Grace (that’ll cost me!), the trip to Europe is off, the damned British Conservatives have introduced legislation in the European Parliament to arrest me if I enter the EU! Don’t those bastard English know, I only do these trips to keep ‘she who must be obeyed’ happy? Wait til the next time they want to take their Missuses shopping in Harare, I’ll make sure there is nothing in the shops for them to buy, oops, I’ve already done that!