Gah. I have a pounding head after getting absolutely shit-faced last night. I had to. It was the only way I could force out my eulogy to that treacherous lackey Mwanawasa, mercifully buried for good today in Lusaka. I actually called him a “courageous leader… who will be greatly missed”, through my gritted dentures. Later, I knelt at his wife’s feet in what was mistakenly reported as a gesture of remorse and servitude. In fact, one of my plastic knees had simply given way. Fortunately, the hacks didn’t notice when I leaned over to spit on the bastard’s grave. Heh heh. Mwanawasa once referred to Zim under my leadership as a “sinking Titanic”, which is the height of insolance and ignorance. Zimbabwe is nothing if not a Challenger space rocket, roaring towards a spectacular, shared destiny. My leadership has been as dazzling as it has been universally popular – I have no doubt that my reign will be remembered throughout the land as The Champagne Years… now, where did I put the paracetamol?
So, the parliament has convened and elected someone called “Lovemore” as speaker. WTF?!? Has the MDC resorted to recruiting porn stars to their parliamentary ranks, such is the depth of their unpopularity? This development makes an utter sham of Zimbabwe’s thriving democratic culture. If only this Brit-brown-nosing clown knew about the shark-tank I’d had installed under the Speaker’s Chair, there would have been less of his piffle about “a new era in Zimbabwe”, and a little more of the wild-eyed, tub-thumping xenophobia that we all know and love. I would have been there to put a stop to it permanently, but was undergoing a full skeletal replacement procedure at the time. Good thing to do, actually. McCain’s people recommended it. And to think, Grace said I’d never be able to tie my own shoe-laces again!
The ‘National Unity’ talks continue at a snail’s pace. Tsvangirai had some difficulty spelling his own name when we signed a recent Memorandum of Understanding, so Thabo and I used finger-puppets to demonstrate how the break-down of executive powers would work between the legislature and executive branches. Sheesh. I just wish the idiot could put down his crayons for a few seconds while we agree how he should be most effectively bought off and side-lined. Still, it’s not all bad news. Inflation just hit 11 million%, which is a new record and I think we can all agree there could be no more concrete endorsement of my economic legacy than that.
I have been very disturbed by the photos that have been splashed around the world of my good friend Radovan Karadzic. Another great Socialist and Democrat, thrown to the wolves in a fit of self-righteousness by the pinko turds who run the EU. ‘Genocide’ my ass. Those mass graves could’ve been dug by anybody! I have made the necessary calls and offered a fellow revolutionary hero asylum here in “Trillionaire’s Row” in Harare. It will be just like old times…
Ahhh, back in the day, Rado, Slobo (Slobodan Milosevic, another Dear Leader of the People) and I use to just like hanging out together, sipping coffee, lynching the occasional Muslim and eating that delicious Serbian dish burek (couldn’t be sure, but I think it’s made of a delicate mixture of human brains, drizzled with a fine nougat of baby’s limbs). We use to call ourselves ‘The Three Comrades’. We talked about when we all got things settled down in our countries, we would take our holidays together. We talked about going to Paris, Rome and Berlin… funny we never mentioned the Hague. None of us seem to have any inclination to venture that way any time soon…
Had a real giggle going through the Sunday newspapers! They all were speculating about a future Government of National Unity without me. If these mental midgets think I have gone through all this trouble of terrorising the good people of Zimbabwe, rigging an election and then going into debt to both the Russian and the Chinese all on the same damn day at the UN, they are severely delusional!! They think doubling down at the Security Council comes cheaply?
This is why I have tasked that little troll Magwana with organising the take over of all the firms still owned by the imperialist pigs. I instructed him to do it with the equal speed to the land reform programme, I need to cash in as soon as possible. Cha-Ching!!!
Reports began coming in yesterday that Botswana is building up its forces along our border. In an effort to be prepared, I called several ‘high level’ meetings to prepare us from a potential attack by these lackeys to the imperialists!
I have meetings scheduled with the JOC, on strategic planning, tactics and operations as well as logistics. However, before all that I needed to figure out what does wartime president/dictator wear for such an event? My first meeting this morning was with my tailor, my valet and of course my style guru Grace. We had a long discussion about the history of uniforms; I learned a lot of interesting things! Did you know for example that the purpose of the scum sucking British wearing red coats back in the days of yore was that if they were shot, their enemy couldn’t see the blood on their tunic?
This sparked off several hours of heated debate. It was strange; after all the name calling, the only thing that my advisors were in agreement on is that I should wear brown trousers???
Sooooo much to do before tomorrow’s victory slaughter… Militia to be paid… voters to be displaced and intimidated… results to be forged and posted…. ZEC officials to bribe… Sheesh, election day in Zimbabwe is murder.
Am screening telephone calls from Little House Thabo. Don’t want to talk about the SADC (a.k.a. the “SAD Club”, heh heh heh) today. If I wanted to “negotiate” about anything, I would have called a used car salesman.
It’s time I took a holiday. Tripoli is always nice this time of year. The shopping’s good for Grace too, less so for me. There’s just not so much on offer these days, since Gadafi gave up all his weapons to the laughable, god-bothering carbon blobs, Bush and Blair. The last time we went up there, all I got was a pen-knife.
Still, it’ll be a pleasant break after the pent-up angst of election day. Will I be elected again, by aclamation? The tension’s killing me.
Had a bizarre dream last night! I had just had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, I had a near death experience.
Seeing God, I asked “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 13 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, I decided, what the hell, I’ll beat the crap out of my opponents, starve my people and threaten war against my people. I even decided to arrest the opposition leaders and try them for treason. Since I had so much more time to live, I figured I might as well make the most of it.
After I stole the election and was inaugurated I was riding back to a visit Katuma with the missus. While crossing a busy intersection we were hit and crushed by one of my new Mercedes anti-riot vehicles.
Arriving in front of God, I demanded, “I thought you said I had another 13 years? Why didn’t you divert me from the path of my new Mercedes anti-riot vehicles?”
God replied, “You hadn’t asked me to remove you from power yet!”
PS: Was just handed the ANC press release. Those half-baked Blair-Bush boot-lickers!! I was fighting the limey imperialist B’staads while most of them were still an annoyance in their father’s nether regions. I hope they do lose the sodding 2010 World Cup!!!!
Up before dawn as usual (4.00am), ever since I started having the Jing-Jang blood transfusions I can’t sleep past 10.00am Hong Kong time. I guess one benefit is that I have a few hours of peace before I have to suffer the dulcet tones of the misses!
Bummer to hear the news about my good friend Sir Martin Sorrell, some say he is a spin-doctor, but he is my ‘sangoma’. Still hope he’ll be able to finish running my campaign, the Bell has not finished tolling there! Besides, us little guys with Napoleonic complexes need to stick together.
I do wish that Grace wouldn’t dye her hair blonde. She knows how much I hate it. It reminds me of one of those British bimbos I so despise. How can I rail against the imperialist flunkies when my wife looks like an imperialist floosie?
I said this to Gideon the other day and he said he found her hair quite fetching. What is going on with those two? I hope that Grace is not shopping around again.
I saw a nice young soldier during a parade today. I do like a man in uniform!!! I don’t know why am stressing about Grace. There are other ways to be liberated.
Had a visit from my Little House (Mbeki)’s friends from the ANC. It’s his birthday today, and my present to him was the guarantee of my smiling presence in office, after the 27th June. Apparently, some of his team weren’t so sure though. Here’s an extract from my conversation with one of the pathetic lackeys:
ANC Delegate: So about this election then…
Me: Sorry. We’re closing for lunch. Continue reading