Gah. I have a pounding head after getting absolutely shit-faced last night. I had to. It was the only way I could force out my eulogy to that treacherous lackey Mwanawasa, mercifully buried for good today in Lusaka. I actually called him a “courageous leader… who will be greatly missed”, through my gritted dentures. Later, I knelt at his wife’s feet in what was mistakenly reported as a gesture of remorse and servitude. In fact, one of my plastic knees had simply given way. Fortunately, the hacks didn’t notice when I leaned over to spit on the bastard’s grave. Heh heh. Mwanawasa once referred to Zim under my leadership as a “sinking Titanic”, which is the height of insolance and ignorance. Zimbabwe is nothing if not a Challenger space rocket, roaring towards a spectacular, shared destiny. My leadership has been as dazzling as it has been universally popular – I have no doubt that my reign will be remembered throughout the land as The Champagne Years… now, where did I put the paracetamol?
Today I will announce my new, Three Point Economic Plan to create a formidable new Zimbabwe and defeat the bastard, lickspittle Imperialist British invaders who mass on our borders and long to steal my bananas. It is a masterpiece of simplicity, strength and socialism… with a helping of good, old-fashioned common sense.
Dear diary, I should like you to be the first to see it… Here goes:
- We have no money? Print more then. Duh! Some people just don’t get it. Matonga claims this will only lead to inflation… And they call him Bright???!! I shall instigate a special new 1 Trillion Dollar note, available to anybody who brings us the decapitated head of a poll monitor. Now THAT is what you call performance-related pay!
- Peg the Zimbabwean Dollar to the Italian Lira. My so-called Council of Economic Experts tell me that the Lira is a defunct currency that was abandoned years ago. These people are fools. I confidently predict the Lira’s imminent reinstatement and installation as a kind of international gold standard, used by everyone and which will have the Americans crawling to Zimbabwe on their knees.
- Constitutional Amendment 42: An Annual Budget Allocation of 300 pairs of Ferragomo shoes for Mrs Mugabe. To be imported directly from Rome. Not expecting any problems from the EU on that front.
The Re-Education programme (a.k.a. “No Zimbabwean Left Behind”) continues apace. I really don’t think people understand what an undertaking this kind of national benevolent project is… half a million voters need to be made to understood the error of their ways in just three weeks. THREE weeks. That’s 25,000 people to Re-Educate per week!! Sheesh.
Made a note on the calendar: 16 June. The SADC busy-bodies arrive. No re-education to be performed that day.
Results are already piling in from the election in two weeks. I find myself truly humbled by the level of support that we have gained. A mandate of over 12 million votes, and we only have an electorate of 5.7 million! I can only guess that people feel so overwhelmed with positive feeling for my re-election as Father of the Nation that they decided to vote twice… How my people must love me. Which reminds me… Mental note: Must order that eight tonnes of Small Arms and Ammunitions from the Chinese. Mind like a sieve!
Later… I have just come up with another brilliant slogan for my PR guys – “Zanu PF: Vote Early! Vote Often!!”